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July 26, 2007: Deep Thoughts

While in Seattle during the Mariners-Orioles series, MASN aired an interview with "Saturday Night Live" star Andy Samberg. Many say he's the next Adam Sandler and upon meeting the comedian it was clear why. Not only is he a young, spunky SNL cast member who has a name that sounds like “Sandler,” he has the timing, comedic talent and personality to have a long career. Plus, he's a humble and gracious person.

Meeting Samberg made many MASN crew members reminisce about classic skits the SNL casts have brought us over the past three decades. Skits like John Belushi and Bill Murray's "Greek Diner," Will Ferrell's "Need More Cowbell" and one that is often forgotten, "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." 

Remember "Deep Thoughts?” They were random thoughts that often made sense but had no real point. They were thrown out there.

Well, in honor of Jack Handey, this week's column is a conglomerate of deep thoughts. Warning: They're all over the place.

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If you are over the age of 16 and you edge a person under the age of 16 out of the way for a foul ball, especially during something as insignificant as batting practice, you'll notice people in the stands starting to chant "Loser!" There's a reason for that.

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Why don't first and third base coaches wear cups? The fact that most don't is information nobody really needs to know, but it's actually a very reasonable question. Seriously, it's like they're playing the corners with no gloves; you'd think protecting their manhood would be a concern.

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Why does Ichiro Suzuki need an interpreter when he talks to the Latin players? His interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.

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When people say "He throws like a girl," are they accounting for the girls that actually throw well, like professional softball players? If that's the case, then is throwing like a girl a compliment? Or is Jennie Finch told she throws like a boy?

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A decent number of professional athletes ask their fiancés to sign prenuptial agreements to make sure they are marrying them for love and not money. Doesn't bringing up a prenup show not only a hint of distrust, but also a belief there's a good possibility the marriage is going to end anyway? 

As I heard one of the -- shall we say more religious -- athletes I know say to another, "Shouldn't you have her sign a paper saying we won't get divorced?"

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On that same note, since it's a fact supported by research that professional athletes are more likely to commit adultery than people in several other professions, would a player still want a prenup if the agreement stated that the woman would take more than half of his assets if he cheats?

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When was the last time L.A. Galaxy star David Beckham's wife Victoria (a.k.a Posh Spice) had a hit record? Exactly, nobody remembers. So, why is she on the cover of every newspaper? She's married to an aging soccer star who is very handsome, yet no longer at the top of his game, so he came to America. Considering that, who's on the cover of Us Weekly next week, Kris Benson's wife? Oh wait, that's very possible.

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Why is Paris Hilton famous? On that note, what's the fascination with Nicole Richie’s "bump?" Maybe she's not pregnant. Maybe she just ate a cheeseburger and it's showing through her skin because she only weighs 85 pounds.

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If, according to Gary Sheffield, "Derek Jeter isn't 'all black,'" then what is "all black?" Was he talking about skin color? Is there a white person that's "all white?" If so, what's the qualification, wearing turtlenecks and dancing off-beat to Barry Manilow?

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Here's a deep thought out of the mouth of a Yankees scout: Many hitters in the American League say Daniel Cabrera has some of the nastiest stuff when he's on. The problem is he can't always repeat that "stuff" inning after inning and start after start. If that's the case, why isn't he a closer?

Pause here. There isn't supposed to be any retorts in "Deep Thoughts," but there needs to be a voice of reason here. Cabrera is 25 years old. That's it. The man didn't pick up a baseball until he was 16. He's 6-foot-9 after growing two inches in the offseason. Cabrera is still getting used to his own body. Plus, in most of his starts this year, he has gone more than six innings. The Orioles would be crazy to cease grooming him as a starter this early in his career. Maybe in 10 years Cabrera will be a closer, not now.

Wow, that's deep. It wasn't supposed to get that serious. I do, however, feel a little closer to everybody now.

Issue 2.30: July 26, 2007