Here are my Week 3 NFL Power Rankings:
1. Kansas City Chiefs (2-0, No. 2 ranking last week)
Big weekend for the Chiefs. They improved to 2-0, they moved to No. 1 in the power rankings and head coach Andy Reid finally
got his underpants back
from some friends in Philly. Nice weekend all around.
2. Oakland Raiders (2-0, No. 4)
I made the Raiders' opponent last week, the New York Jets, my "lock loser" during last week's
PressBox NFL picks segment
. It was odd that there were cameras rolling to catch
when the Raiders made that pick come to fruition.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0, No. 3)
Congratulations to Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for his 125th career win. May he never win another.
4. Atlanta Falcons (2-0, No. 6)
It's a bummer that they'll be without pass rusher Vic Beasley for the next month, but at least they can always call Dwight Freeney, who's still a spry 73 years old.
(Note: Apparently Freeney is only 37, and I just assumed it was a typo because that legitimately seems impossible.)
5. Denver Broncos (2-0, No. 10)
The competition is stiff, but the Broncos' defense may be so good that it can carry them in the brutal yard that is the AFC West.
Also, that sentence had more "yards" per "carry" than Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott did against Denver's defense Sept. 17.
6. New England Patriots (1-1, No. 7)
And if you're in my fantasy football league, I'm looking to deal tight end Rob Gronkowski. That may surprise you but he's currently sitting at 69 career touchdowns, so I'm pretty certain he's
purposefully never going to catch another
7. Green Bay Packers (1-1, No. 1)
So you mean to tell me that if you play the defending NFC champions on the road without either of your offensive tackles or your top wide receivers you might be in a little trouble? Staggering.
8. Carolina Panthers (2-0, No. 8)
Sure, it probably seems like a big deal that tight end Greg Olsen will miss the next six weeks, but when you're a "scored nine points in your home opener against a mediocre Buffalo Bills team" type of offense, you're probably going to be just fine, right?
9. Baltimore Ravens (2-0, No. 12)
They've forced 10 turnovers through two games. Or one turnover for every time you're going to scream the word "f***!" while you're watching the offensive line play without Marshal Yanda next week.
10. Seattle Seahawks (1-1, No. 9)
Speaking of "completely flipping abysmal offensive lines," hey look, it's the Seahawks.
11. Dallas Cowboys (1-1, No. 5)
12. Tennessee Titans (1-1, No. 13)
The Titans were so dominant in the second half against the Jaguars that even something called a "Jonnu Smith" scored a touchdown, and I have to assume that was just a dude they pulled out of the hot tub in Jacksonville and allowed him to play for funsies.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0, No. 14)
This week FOX announced twin brothers Tiki and Ronde Barber will call the Buccaneers-Giants game in October -- you won't be able to tell them apart.
14. Detroit Lions (2-0, No. 17)
15. Miami Dolphins (1-0, No. 18)
Everyone is talking about how many Dolphins fans were in Los Angeles Sept. 17 for the game against the Chargers, but if you lived in a human hellhole like Miami wouldn't you be trying to get out, too?
16. Minnesota Vikings (1-1, No. 15)
This is a little unfair though because I could have sworn the competition committee had passed the rule that if you play with Case Keenum as your quarterback you immediately get three free touchdowns. Perhaps they'll get to that this coming year.
17. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1, No. 16)
Considering how the Cowboys played against the Broncos, you could argue the Eagles have looked like the best team in the NFC East so far. You could also argue I was the best-looking kid at fat camp in seventh grade.
18. Arizona Cardinals (1-1, No. 20)
Thanks to NFL podcaster Ross Tucker I now know Cardinals running back Kerwynn Williams has been cut or signed 25 times in his career. Thanks to my eyes, I know that if this is wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald's final season, he probably isn't winning a Super Bowl.
19. Houston Texans (1-1, No. 21)
Credit to head coach Bill O'Brien for turning to Deshaun Watson at quarterback. It allowed 30 of the 3,600 seconds in the Texans-Bengals game to actually be somewhat interesting.
20. Washington Redskins (1-1, No. 22)
If you hate the Redskins, take solace. It's way more fun when they win a couple of games and their fans forget about how miserable the inevitable crushing sadness will be.
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1, No. 19)
The number is 47.5. Over/under number of times Jacksonville quarterback Blake Bortles turns the ball over against the Ravens' defense in London this week.
22. New York Giants (0-2, No. 11)
Through two games, the Giants have scored a combined 13 points. I'd make a joke here, but I actually think we might need to throw a multi-network telethon to get them some damn help.
23. Los Angeles Rams (1-1, No. 23)
Yet by default, they're still absolutely the most popular NFL team in Los Angeles. So they've got that going for them.
24. Buffalo Bills (1-1, No. 25)
After just two weeks, the Bills are already fielding questions about Tyrod Taylor's security as starting quarterback. But what do you expect when you have a sexy fifth-round pick like Nathan Peterman waiting behind him to almost certainly be even worse?
25. Los Angeles Chargers (0-2, No. 24)
Considering he's 0-2 on game-deciding kicks so far, you might want to go ahead and get all of your Younghoe Koo puns out of the way now in case he gets cut. You know, puns like "more like Younghoe Boo, emmirite?" or "Younghoe? More like Wronghoe, emmirite?" I think you get it.
26. New Orleans Saints (0-2, No. 26)
Watching the Saints' defense is like watching Baltimore Orioles' starting pitching. You know it's a complete freaking disaster but you keep convincing yourself that maybe the rest of the team can somehow overcome it.
27. Indianapolis Colts (0-2, No. 29)
Quarterback Jacoby Brissett appeared to be slightly less of a disaster than Scott Tolzien. That's the nicest possible thing I could say about this train wreck.
28. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2, No. 27)
Want to know how bad the bottom of the NFL is? I have four teams ranked lower than the flipping Bengals.
29. Chicago Bears (0-2, No. 28)
They'll go with Mike Glennon under center again next week because … I don't know, reasons?
30. Cleveland Browns (0-2, No. 30)
Remember how last week we were talking about how much better the Browns are? We're not very smart.
31. San Francisco 49ers (0-2, No. 31)
I shouldn't legally have to include commentary when I get to this point of the rankings. Even thinking about the 49ers' offense could be detrimental to my health.
32. New York Jets (0-2, No. 32)
And if I have to think about the Jets, I may legitimately sue someone.
Photo Credit: Sabina Moran/PressBox