Here are my power rankings for Week 4 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0, No. 1 ranking last week)
Remember how excited you were when you were three picks away from getting running back Kareem Hunt in the third round of your fantasy draft? It's like that time you were ready to ask Leslie Meredith to homecoming in 10th grade, and then your friend Ryan swooped in and asked at the last second and she said yes. But then you found out later she
wanted to go with you, but like an idiot you were waiting and not asking and instead you went with your friend Kristi, and, look, Kristi was nice, but you weren't really into her and you were just staring at Leslie the whole night and, wait, what were we talking about again?
2. Atlanta Falcons (3-0, No. 4)
There was a little bit of luck for the Falcons at the end of their win against the Detroit Lions. Sort of like how Ryan got lucky that you hadn't asked Leslie yet because you kind of wanted to do something special when you asked and all he did was just go up to her in the stupid cafeteria, and I bet he didn't even know her last name and, look, you guys, I'm definitely not still hung up on a dumb thing that happened 19 years ago.
3. New England Patriots (2-1, No. 6)
Jim Gray was interviewing quarterback Tom Brady on Westwood One's "Monday Night Football" pregame show Sept. 25. He described the Patriots' win against the Houston Texans as a "miraculous comeback." Apparently, Jim Gray isn't familiar with the guy who does the quarterbacking in New England.
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1, No. 7)
It was a record 89 degrees at kickoff for the Packers-Cincinnati Bengals game at Lambeau Field. Or one degree for every time quarterback Aaron Rodgers threw a ball into a window no larger than a damn grapefruit.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1, No. 3)
For the record, I think the matchup with Steelers is actually better for the Baltimore Ravens than the Jacksonville Jaguars one was. That doesn't mean I think it's a good matchup. I just think it's better. Like how I was a better option than that jerk Ryan and, seriously, it's fine. I'm married with kids now.
6. Dallas Cowboys (2-1, No. 11)
Cardinals: "We dare you to throw the ball."
Cowboys: "Yeah? Sure 'bout that?"
Cardinals: "Haha. JK. Please stop scoring all of the touchdowns."
7. Tennessee Titans (2-1, No. 12)
According to Pro Football Focus, left tackle Taylor Lewan had a perfect pass-blocking efficiency and allowed zero pressures during the win against the Seattle Seahawks. Upon learning of those numbers, Ravens right tackle Austin Howard's head exploded.
8. Oakland Raiders (2-1, No. 2)
Ravens fan: "Well, sure, it was a tough day for my team, but at least the Steelers lost and those jerks in D.C. will be pretty pissed after the Raiders come to town and … wait, what?
9. Denver Broncos (2-1, No. 5)
There have been a boatload of idiots on the internet in the past few days. There is no chance there is a bigger idiot than the clown who thought
should be a penalty on Denver pass rusher Von Miller. I'd rather work with Pennywise the Clown than that dude.
10. Minnesota Vikings (2-1, No. 16)
Case Keenum > Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Brett Favre combined, apparently.
11. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1, No. 17)
If kicker Jake Elliott walked into my room right now (after making a game-winning, 61-yard field goal) I'd say, "Yo, WTF? Why the hell are you in my room you creepy kicker. Hey, nice kick by the way, but seriously, what the hell, man?"
12. Detroit Lions (2-1, No. 14)
It seems odd to move them up two spots considering they actually did lose to the Falcons, but when you have the actual oddest weekend in the history of football on your hands, stuff happens. Detroit looks good.
13. Washington Redskins (2-1, No. 20)
Of course oft-injured receiver Josh Doctson is becoming a thing while former Ravens first-round pick Breshad Perriman is … mostly collecting dust. Because, of course he is.
14. Carolina Panthers (2-1, No. 8)
don't regret picking them to make the Super Bowl, but thanks for asking.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1, No. 21)
I still don't know who running back Corey Grant is, where he came from or how he managed to totally gash the Ravens this week. I'll assume he's actor Hugh Grant's less-charming son?
16. Baltimore Ravens (2-1, No. 9)
Now defensive lineman Brent Urban is also out, which is fine when you're a team as healthy as the Ravens have been. It's honestly time they actually had a player get hurt for a change.
17. Seattle Seahawks (1-2, No. 10)
Let's just check in on the
Seahawks' offensive line
and … oh. Oh no. It might be time to send in the National Guard.
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1, No. 13)
But seriously, if you lose to Case Keenum it should probably count as three losses.
19. Los Angeles Rams (2-1, No. 23)
I'm struggling to figure out if they're either: a) one of the most fun teams to watch in the NFL, or b) a team that has only performed well against two of the worst teams in the league (the Indianapolis Colts and San Francisco 49ers).
20. Arizona Cardinals (1-2, No. 18)
They might not be that good, but I can watch receiver Larry Fitzgerald
literally forever. May he never ever ever retire.
21. Houston Texans (1-2, No. 19)
Quarterback Deshaun Watson looked so good against the Patriots that, seriously, how in the world did head coach Bill O'Brien ever think it made sense to play Tom Savage in Week 1?
22. Buffalo Bills (2-1, No. 24)
I should probably give more respect to a 2-1 team coming off an impressive win against the Broncos and that hasn't allowed a passing touchdown this season. I should also probably cut my hair. I'll get around to both eventually, I guess.
23. New Orleans Saints (1-2, No. 26)
"The New Orleans defense is so bad I'm just going to start everyone who plays against them every week." -- The idiot whose power rankings you're currently reading.
24. Miami Dolphins (1-1, No. 15)
Your friends talking about politics on social media are less embarrassing than the Dolphins getting their asses kicked by the New York Jets.
25. Chicago Bears (1-2, No. 29)
There had to be at least a couple Ravens fans who had burned their Terrell Suggs jerseys that suddenly thought, "Maybe I should get a [running back] Jordan Howard one" about three hours later when he gashed the Steelers.
26. Indianapolis Colts (1-2, No. 27)
And it looks like quarterback Andrew Luck may be getting ready to return. I don't think that will actually make them much better; I'm just here to pass along information.
27. New York Giants (0-3, No. 22)
My Glenn Clark Radio sidekick Kyle Ottenheimer picked them to go to the Super Bowl, so as it turns out, my Panthers pick doesn't look that bad at all.
28. New York Jets (1-2, No. 32)
I understand how to fix my car's engine more than I understand how this group of 53 players managed to win a football game.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3, No. 28)
They blew a lead and lost to the Packers, which in Cincinnati had to feel like winning the Super Bowl.
30. Los Angeles Chargers (0-3, No. 25)
At least there's no one there to see them keep losing.
31. San Francisco 49ers (0-3, No. 31)
Maybe head coach Kyle Shanahan actually might be the offensive genius no one wants to admit he is.
32. Cleveland Browns (0-3, No. 30)
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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