Here are my power rankings for Week 5 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0, No. 1 ranking last week)
The Chiefs not only managed to ultimately beat the Washington Redskins, they also managed to cover.
Here's a quick reaction
to the final play of "Monday Night Football" from a man who perhaps bet against Kansas City.
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1, No. 4)
Running back Ty Montgomery is hoping to play Oct. 8 after suffering multiple broken ribs. Meanwhile I had a bit of a tickle in my throat earlier, so I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do internet radio and list football teams this week, you guys.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1, No. 5)
The Las Vegas Sportsbook now lists the Steelers as the favorites to win the Super Bowl with 9-2 odds. And I say with certainty that the idea of Pittsburgh winning the Super Bowl is absolutely more terrifying than the film "Happy Death Day" could possibly be.
4. Atlanta Falcons (3-1, No. 2)
Me at 4:15 p.m. Sunday: "Wow. The Falcons lost to the Bills? That's kind of crazy. But I guess it's not that inconceivable that even a good team could lose in Buffalo."
Me at 4:16 p.m. Sunday: "The game was in Atlanta? Oh my god. The Falcons are terrible."
5. Denver Broncos (3-1, No. 9)
The Broncos have allowed 203 total rushing yards through four games this season. Holy crap, even Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco could win with that kind of defense on the other side.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1, No. 11)
Philadelphia now has sole possession of first place in the NFC East. To celebrate, Eagles fans … probably booed loudly and hurled objects at strangers. If I had to guess.
7. Carolina Panthers (3-1, No. 14)
Here's a look at me
after I decided at 12:55 p.m. Sunday to switch out Philip Rivers and Buck Allen for Cam Newton and Kelvin Benjamin because I remembered the Patriots' defense stinks.
8. New England Patriots (2-2, No. 3)
You want to laugh at them but then you remember they're absolutely going to go 14-2 and win the Super Bowl, so you settle for a polite snicker instead of a full-blown belly laugh.
9. Detroit Lions (3-1, No. 12)
And for no reason whatsoever,
here's some video
of Lions defensive end Anthony Zettel tackling a tree.
10. Los Angeles Rams (3-1, No. 19)
So I assume head coach Sean McVay will have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame by, say, Wednesday?
11. Houston Texans (2-2, No. 21)
The next time Orioles manager Buck Showalter is asked about leaving closer Zach Britton in the bullpen during the 2016 wild-card game he should absolutely say, "Do you remember when Bill O'Brien started Tom Savage instead of Deshaun Watson in an NFL game?"
(We're not moving on from this trope. It's the most insane thing in the history of ever.)
12. Buffalo Bills (3-1, No. 22)
I understand why Imagine Dragons thought they should include a baby saying the word "thunder" over and over again during an
otherwise pleasant tune
more than I understand how the Bills are 3-1.
13. Dallas Cowboys (2-2, No. 6)
Sure they're off to a bumpy start, but at least the Cowboys tend to fly under the radar in the national media so no one will really talk about it.
14. Minnesota Vikings (2-2, No. 10)
I'm absolutely panicked about whether I'll be able to get running back Latavius Murray on the waiver wire this week since Dalvin Cook is out for the year. Also I just realized after typing that sentence that I badly need to re-evaluate my priorities in life.
15. Tennessee Titans (2-2, No. 7)
The good news is that could get quarterback Marcus Mariota back next week. The bad news is I'm not certain Houston -- which just scored 57 points against the Titans -- scored 57 points total all of last season.
16. Oakland Raiders (2-2, No. 8)
They'll start EJ Manuel at quarterback Oct. 8 against the Ravens, so if Baltimore can't snap their losing streak they should probably be relegated to the Arena League (which, come to think of it, could use a few more teams).
17. Seattle Seahawks (2-2, No. 17)
With all of my fantasy running backs hurt, I'm ready to throw my faith behind whatever this J.D. McKissic thing is. I've always wondered what "Jesus, Take The Wheel" felt like in real life.
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1, No. 18)
Here's photographic proof of Bucs cornerback Brent Grimes
Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. unintentionally this week. And
now here's proof
that he can do it intentionally, too.
19. Washington Redskins (2-2, No. 13)
The thing is, they were actually pretty respectable during a loss to the Chiefs. But they lost cornerback Josh Norman to a fractured rib, and in the end they're still the Redskins.
20. Arizona Cardinals (2-2, No. 20)
thanks to Cardinals PR
for letting us know that in NFL history, the entire list of players who have caught overtime touchdown passes in both a regular season and postseason game is:
1. Larry Fitzgerald
2. No other people
The guy should seriously play until he's 3,000.
21. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 23)
You want to buy into the Saints. They you remember they've played decent defense for two weeks after playing terrible defense for two … decades?
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2, No. 15)
Following up a blowout win against the Ravens by losing to the New York Jets? Lindsay Lohan thinks the Jaguars don't handle success well.
23. Baltimore Ravens (2-2, No. 16)
Linebacker Terrell Suggs wore a Bane mask before the Ravens played the Steelers. Um … does anyone want to talk about the fact that
this is how
things ended up for Bane? Maybe we should've seen this coming.
24. New York Jets (2-2, No. 28)
Look, if I saw how USC quarterback Sam Darnold played against Washington State I might actually stop sucking so much, too.
25. Miami Dolphins (1-2, No. 24)
Sure the Dolphins got their asses kicked by the Saints in London. But perhaps they could take solace in the fact that more people in Los Angeles
watched them than watched the Chargers
this week. You know, despite the fact that the Dolphins game kicked off at 6:30 a.m. in L.A.
26. Chicago Bears (1-3, No. 25)
Next week we get to see rookie quarterback Mitch Trubisky for the first time. I'd add something to this
, but honestly it's just perfection.
27. Indianapolis Colts (1-3, No. 26)
They'll always have that time they beat the Cleveland Browns.
28. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3, No. 29)
They'll also always have that time they beat the Cleveland Browns.
29. New York Giants (0-4, No. 27)
In fairness, they might be the best 0-4 team ever. And similarly, I picked up so many chicks that summer I spent at fat camp.
30. Los Angeles Chargers (0-4, No. 30)
Sure, they didn't win, but they played another close game, and when you're trying to establish a new franchise in a new city with a new head coach, that's a
. I mean that's a start!
31. San Francisco 49ers (0-4, No. 31)
If this were hockey they would have gotten a point for an overtime loss, so there's that.
32. Cleveland Browns (0-4, No. 32)
It's just too bad they don't get to play the Browns.
Photo Credit: Sabina Moran/PressBox