Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0, No. 1 ranking last week)
The year is 2014. A man visits you from the future world of October 2017 and wants to play the game "two truths and a lie" with you. The three scenarios he lays out are:
A. Donald Trump is President
B. O.J. Simpson is a Senator
C. Quarterback Alex Smith is a viable MVP candidate
Is your response anything other than, "So what kind of laws has Sen. Simpson passed so far?"
2. Green Bay Packers (4-1, No. 2)
On Monday's episode of Glenn Clark Radio, we debated how much we'd be willing to pay if the NFL made quarterback Aaron Rodgers pay-per-view only. Not whether we'd be willing to pay. How much we'd be willing to pay.
3. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1, No. 6)
I guess you could say their win against the Arizona Cardinals was a real … .nice victory. What? You expected me to say
4. Atlanta Falcons (3-1, No. 4)
"Falcons devote themselves to one partner for their reproductive years. However, this doesn't mean they act like a married couple, cooking dinner and play Bingo together. Falcons only come together to mate, and otherwise spend their lives as solitary hunters."
Doesn't sound so bad.
5. Denver Broncos (3-1, No. 5)
Lemme go back to
for a bye week fun fact about broncos. As it turns out, they're not even real.
"No, it's not because the bronco went extinct in 1996. (That's the car; we're talking about the animal here.) A bronco is a type of horse, not a species or a breed. It comes from the Spanish broncos, which means rough. American cowboys borrowed the lingo from their Mexican counterparts to describe untrained or partially trained horses. Originally, cowboys probably used the term to refer to breaking wild horses, but today's broncos are not feral."
6. Carolina Panthers (4-1, No. 7)
Pass rusher Julius Peppers has 5.5 sacks this season. Which is even more remarkable when you consider I'm pretty sure Peppers started his career before the sack was an official stat.
7. New England Patriots (3-2, No. 8)
And if you had Week 5 in the "when will tight end Rob Gronkowski inevitably end up being hurt again?" office pool, congratulations. I just honestly can't believe you didn't pick something sooner.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2, No. 3)
After their loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars this week, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger needed to decompress. I'm told he went to the movies; I even heard he saw "Blade Runner 2049." After the movie, he felt better but still had a few popcorn kernels stuck in his teeth. He asked his wife if she had anything in her purse he could use to get them out. She said, "Sure, how about these five picks?"
I spent five minutes working on that one. You could at least give me an eye roll.
9. Minnesota Vikings (3-2, No. 14)
No, I'm not bitter at all that I put in a waiver claim for running back Jerick McKinnon last week only to cut him in favor of picking up Corey Clement from the Eagles instead. I'm not bitter at all, honestly. It's just that I regularly do shots of laundry detergent for fun.
10. Seattle Seahawks (3-2, No. 17)
11. Detroit Lions (3-2, No. 9)
Making matters worse after their loss to the Panthers, there's some question about whether quarterback Matthew Stafford will be able to play this week due to ankle/quad injuries. But it's not that big of a deal when you remember that their backup quarterback is. … wait, what is is a Jake Rudock?
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2, No. 22)
Quarterback Blake Bortles finished with 95 yards passing during their win against Pittsburgh. "Wow, that's a big game," said former Raven Kyle Boller when reached for comment.
13. Los Angeles Rams (3-2, No. 10)
And next week they face the Jaguars in the least likely potential Super Bowl preview in NFL history.
14. Buffalo Bills (3-2, No. 12)
There were a few Bills fans who reached out to me last week because they were disappointed I wasn't giving Buffalo enough respect in the rankings. This week … I imagine they'll be too busy shopping for Halloween costumes to check in.
15. Houston Texans (2-3, No. 11)
Pass rusher Whitney Mercilus is out for the season. Pass rusher J.J. Watt is out for the season. At this point all I can think is … holy hell, Bill O'Brien
really started Tom Savage over Deshaun Watson in Week 1?
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-3, No. 13)
I would make a joke about the Cowboys, but the owner threatening to bench players who kneel after employing former pass rusher Greg Hardy is a joke itself. Not one of those "haha" jokes. More like a "what the hell is going on in the world?" jokes.
17. Baltimore Ravens (3-2, No. 23)
It's almost like if you let quarterback Joe Flacco use his absolute cannon of an arm every now and then it might actually help you win. That said, I look forward to offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg calling 50 check-downs again next week.
18. Tennessee Titans (2-3, No. 15)
CBS' Jason La Canfora reported free-agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick's people reached out to the Titans last week, and they weren't interested. In winning.
19. Washington Redskins (2-2, No. 19)
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2, No. 18)
If they need a kicker, I'm pretty sure Billy Cundiff is available.
21. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 21)
"St. Patrick was not actually Irish. His exact birthplace and date is not known. However, it is believed he was born around 375AD in Scotland. His parents, Calpurnius and Conchessa, were Romans living in Britain in charge of the colonies."
The entire world is a lie.
22. New York Jets (3-2, No. 24)
The start to this season is so inexplicable that I'm starting to think Lou Brown just told the Jets their owner doesn't want them to win; Roger Dorn found even he was expendable, and Jake Taylor wants New York to
"win the whole f*cking thing."
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3, No. 28)
Even more interesting than the Bengals suddenly being just a game out of first place in the AFC North is the fact that apparently you'd rather have quarterback Andy Dalton than Aaron Rodgers in the fourth quarter of a game.
24. Oakland Raiders (2-3, No. 16)
25. Miami Dolphins (2-2, No. 25)
You've probably forgotten that they won a football game this week. But did it earn them any respect in the power rankings? Not even a sniff.
26. Arizona Cardinals (2-3, No. 20)
In Arizona they're discussing the Cardinals' decision to trade for Saints running back Adrian Peterson. Well that and ass sweat. I used to live in Phoenix, you guys. It's like 80 percent of the conversation.
27. Indianapolis Colts (2-3, No. 27)
In fairness to Vice President Mike Pence and his obvious political stunt, it's not like any of the rest of us watched the Colts-49ers game either.
28. Chicago Bears (1-4, No. 26)
Rookie quarterback Mitch Trubisky actually looked semi-decent in his NFL debut this week. Which was the single-biggest highlight for the franchise in about a decade.
29. Los Angeles Chargers (1-4, No. 30)
This faux pas
should be more embarrassing, but it's probably about par for the course with literally everything else that has happened since the Chargers moved to L.A.
30. New York Giants (0-5, No. 29)
And with receiver Odell Beckham Jr. now out for the season, here is a complete list of reasons why you should watch the Giants again this season:
31. San Francisco 49ers (0-5, No. 31)
Former Ravens fullback Kyle Juszczyk scored his first touchdown since signing in San Francisco. It probably would have come sooner, but he's been dealing with the shock of not having the first play of every drive be a throw to him.
32. Cleveland Browns (0-5, No. 32)
We could talk about the Browns
we could enjoy a classic video of former LSU head coach Les Miles
offering Columbus Day greetings
. Let's spend our time wisely.
Photo Credit: Sabina Moran/PressBox