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Glenn Clark's NFL Power Rankings: Week 14

December 5, 2017
Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season. 

Let's get back to wacky bits this week. As you might know, I'm a professional wrestling fan. (Hey, cheap plug for the lovely podcast "Jobbing Out" and a story I wrote this week about Salisbury football player turned WWE star Enzo Amore!) With that in mind, I'm going to associate every team with a pro wrestler this week. It's going to be nerdy. Look, I did Taylor Swift songs two weeks ago. Lemme have this one.

1. New England Patriots (10-2, No. 2 ranking last week)

The Patriots always end up winning. And as tight end Rob Gronkowski reminded us this week, they're willing to be a bit unscrupulous during the process. Perhaps next week they'll use sledgehammers since they're obviously Triple H. 

2. Minnesota Vikings (10-2, No. 4)

Plucky underdogs whose success makes no sense considering their opponents are blessed with far more gifts. They're Daniel Bryan. 

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2, No. 3)

As wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster reminded us this week, they're frickin' evil and they have a tendency to come out on top. They're clearly Vince McMahon. 

4. Philadelphia Eagles (10-2, No. 1)

Every time you start to buy into them, they remind you that faith may be misguided because they've never won the big one. I think I'm going to have to go with Jake "The Snake" Roberts here.

5. Los Angeles Rams (9-3, No. 5)

They could be dominant for years and their leader (good-looking head coach Sean McVay) is very popular with the ladies. So I think they're the Four Horsemen. 

6. New Orleans Saints (9-3, No. 7)

The Saints had an incredible stretch a few years back but then went away for some time. After a few years in hiding they came back and they're immediately making a push for a title. So basically they're Bill Goldberg. 

7. Carolina Panthers (8-4, No. 6)

Considering we're not that far removed from a time when they actually carried baseball bats to the field with them, the Panthers are Sting. Some of these aren't that difficult. 

8. Seattle Seahawks (8-4, No. 11)

When quarterback Russell Wilson's back is against the wall, he has an uncanny knack for the spectacular to get out of trouble. Someone might say his win against the Eagles this week came from "outta nowhere." So yeah, they're Randy Orton. 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4, No. 9)

After being absolutely awful for years and the butt of many jokes for a long time, suddenly the Jaguars became title contenders in 2017. So I guess they're Jinder Mahal, huh? 

10. Tennessee Titans (8-4, No. 10)

There's nothing particularly spectacular about the Titans, but they've been consistent and they're tough to beat. In that way, they remind me of Natalya. 

11. Los Angeles Chargers (6-6, No. 12)

While they've never won a (major) championship, we know they're really good and they're fun to have around. Plus they've got that Southern California vibe just like Samoa Joe.  

12. Atlanta Falcons (7-5, No. 8)

They're always in the mix, but they have a tendency to let you down. Has any professional wrestler done that more than Big Show?

13. Baltimore Ravens (7-5, No. 13)

As a fan, you've had a complicated relationship with them in recent years. You love them and they have championship pedigree, but they let you down and you're not sure if you can trust them even though things seem to be good right now. So basically they're "The Architect" Seth Rollins. 

14. Oakland Raiders (6-6, No. 15)

The Raiders haven't really done anything despite being both exciting and good. They can't justify the hype that surrounded them. Unfortunately, that sounds like Dolph Ziggler to me. 

15. Green Bay Packers (6-6, No. 19)

Fans are just hoping for one more chance to see an incredibly talented and thrilling performer (in this case injured quarterback Aaron Rodgers). Doesn't that kind of sound like Shawn Michaels? 

16. Dallas Cowboys (6-6, No. 21)

They're kind of mediocre and yet everyone seems to really like them. I'll be the one to say it: they're Dean Ambrose. 

17. Buffalo Bills (6-6, No. 14)

The Bills probably won't win anything of significance, but they're kind of fun because their fans jump through tables and do goofy things. So they're obviously Breezango. 

18. Detroit Lions (6-6, No. 16)

For one day a year (Thanksgiving), they really matter. Otherwise we just sit around and remember how much we used to enjoy watching them (like when they had running back Barry Sanders or wide receiver Calvin Johnson). I hate to say it, but isn't it sort of like The Undertaker and WrestleMania. Plus, much like the Undertaker, their former stadium simply won't die

19. Cincinnati Bengals (5-7, No. 18)

Some professional wrestlers are good guys (faces), others are bad guys (heels). No matter what lengths the Bengals stoop to in their villainy, they always end up getting their comeuppance. So they're kind of like The Miz when you think about it. 

20. Kansas City Chiefs (6-6, No. 17)

I could have sworn they were good but suddenly they just always lose all the time. So I guess they're Bray Wyatt?

21. New York Jets (5-7, No. 23)

They do a little more winning than you'd expect considering there's really not much there. I think I'd compare them to former tag team champions Heath Slater and Rhyno. Plus, much like former Jets (and would-be Raven?) cornerback Antonio Cromartie, Slater's got kids. 

22. Washington Redskins (5-7, No. 20)

I know quarterback Kirk Cousins is about to become "The (30) Million Dollar Man." And much like Ted DiBiase, Cousins hasn't won the big one either. 

23. Arizona Cardinals (5-7, No. 22)

You see wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald make an amazing play and you can't believe how old he is (34). Which is pretty similar to how I feel when I watch "SmackDown" champion AJ Styles (he's 40). 

24. Miami Dolphins (5-7, No. 27)

When defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh went against Ravens quarterback Ryan Mallett earlier this season he sure as hell looked a lot like Kane preparing to deliver a chokeslam. 

25. Houston Texans (4-8, No. 24)

Injured pass rusher J.J. Watt was named SI Sportsman of the Year (along with Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve) this week. And while sometime's he's corny, Watt is really great and the city of Houston is so much better for having him. So yeah, he's John Cena. 

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8, No. 25)

The only relevant thing about the Bucs is that quarterback Jameis Winston got absolutely savaged by Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco this week. So they're basically jobbers at this point. They're the Brooklyn Brawler. 

27. Indianapolis Colts (3-9, No. 26)

Running back Frank Gore moved into the top five all-time in career rushing yards this weekend. You'd never think of him as a Hall of Famer, but he absolutely is. By the way WWE fans, so is Sheamus. 

28. Chicago Bears (3-9, No. 28)

There's nothing interesting about them at all. So at this point they're like NXT star Lars Sullivan. 

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-10, No. 30)

Quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo finally got out of the shadow of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and showed the world what he can do this week. It reminds me of what happened after a certain "Deacon Batista" got away from "Reverend D-Von." 

30. Denver Broncos (3-9, No. 31)

Well, they have a quarterback named Brock Osweiler, and they've won about as many times as Brock Lesnar has since September. They're not remotely similar, but 30 teams in, this is getting difficult. 

31. New York Giants (2-10, No. 29)

They're buffoons. They're morons. They're embarrassing. They're (Baltimore native) and former WWE star James Ellsworth, obviously. 

32. Cleveland Browns (0-12, No. 32)

Curt Hawkins has lost 140 straight matches. The Browns can only hope receiver Josh Gordon can do enough to keep them from matching the number. 
 
Photo Credit: Sabina Moran/PressBox