Here are my final regular-season power rankings for the 2017 NFL season in which I will offer a calendar 2018 prediction for every team.
1. New England Patriots (13-3, No. 1 ranking last week)
They'll win the Super Bowl.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3, No. 3)
After they lose in the postseason, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will be super dramatic about the possibility of retiring and then won't.
Look, some of these just aren't that hard.
3. Minnesota Vikings (13-3, No. 4)
Quarterback Teddy Bridgewater will be just fine after Case Keenum departs via free agency. Also, they don't become the first team to play in a home Super Bowl, and the idea of playing a Super Bowl in Minnesota ends up being exactly as miserable as every person on the planet thought it would be.
4. Los Angeles Rams (11-5, No. 5)
They make it to the Super Bowl but lose to the Patriots -- who probably are cheating again. (Baltimore native Todd Gurley wins the NFL MVP award.)
5. Philadelphia Eagles (13-3, No. 2)
No matter who it's against, they lose their first playoff game and their fans spend the next millennium wondering what might have been. (They don't win a Super Bowl in the next millennium, either.)
6. Kansas City Chiefs (10-6, No. 8)
Unhappy with the trade market for quarterback Alex Smith, they hold on to him and end up having spent two years worth of first-round picks for a player (backup quarterback Patrick Mahomes) who doesn't see significant time on the field at all during those seasons.
7. New Orleans Saints (11-5, No. 7)
They draft Memphis quarterback Riley Ferguson in the middle rounds with an eye on him being a replacement for Drew Brees in the next couple of seasons. Also, I take running back Alvin Kamara in the first round of my fantasy football draft and, sadly, that means he absolutely gets hurt.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-6, No. 9)
Yes, of course they trade for quarterback Eli Manning (or sign him after the Giants release him). But we realize Manning just might not be very good anymore, and he doesn't finish the season as the starter so they have to go back to Blake Bortles.
9. Carolina Panthers (11-5, No. 6)
Having no wide receivers will play a significant role in why an otherwise quality roster falls short of winning a championship. Does that sound familiar?
10. Atlanta Falcons (10-6, No. 11)
They won't win a playoff game. But at least they won't blow a 28-3 lead.
11. San Francisco 49ers (6-10, No. 14)
Every expert on the planet will pick them to win the NFC in 2018. They'll be good, but not quite that good.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (9-7, No. 13)
A story about the NFL secretly wanting the team to move back to San Diego will create waves during the offseason.
13. Buffalo Bills (9-7, No. 15)
Quarterback Nathan Peterman never plays again for anyone ever.
14. Tennessee Titans (9-7, No. 17)
They lose by three touchdowns to the Chiefs in the playoffs and no one can really figure out if they're actually moving in the right direction as a franchise.
15. Dallas Cowboys (9-7, No. 16)
Something like 50 percent of all national media coverage is about them and they're only a little better than .500 again next year.
16. Baltimore Ravens (9-7, No. 10)
During the NFL Draft they select two linebackers, two defensive linemen, one offensive lineman and one tight end (who is more of a blocker). At least one player is from Alabama.
17. Seattle Seahawks (9-7, No. 12)
Are you an offensive lineman who has played at least reasonably well in the National Football League? Is your contract set to expire? You'll be hearing from the Seahawks.
18. Detroit Lions (9-7, No. 18)
Who is the least interesting head coaching candidate on the market this year? Vikings offensive coordinator Pat Shurmur? They'll probably hire Pat Shurmur.
19. Arizona Cardinals (8-8, No. 20)
For some reason, I feel like they end up with UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen. I also believe they should probably offer to make receiver Larry Fitzgerald their next head coach to thank him for not trying to force his way out at any point during his career.
20. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9, No. 21)
They announce they're parting ways with head coach Marvin Lewis. They interview a couple of assistants on their staff. They end up re-hiring Lewis.
21. Washington Redskins (7-9, No. 19)
The Redskins end up locking down quarterback Kirk Cousins to a long-term deal worth a very reasonable $40 million per season.
22. Green Bay Packers (7-9, No. 22)
Nothing much changes, but they have a healthy Aaron Rodgers at quarterback so they're pretty good again anyway.
23. Miami Dolphins (6-10, No. 23)
Despite not being re-signed (or signed by anyone else as a free agent), quarterback Jay Cutler shows up for training camp for some reason anyway.
24. Oakland Raiders (6-10, No. 24)
Things go about as well for head coach Jon Gruden in his return as they did for Joe Gibbs in his second stint with the Redskins.
25. New York Jets (5-11, No. 25)
I don't know why, but something tells me Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield ends up here. It just seems too perfect.
26. Chicago Bears (4-12, No. 26)
Eagles quarterbacks coach John DeFilippo gets their head coaching job. Then they go about trying to address the other 500 issues they face.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11, No. 28)
They probably consider letting someone else handle their pregame speeches next year.
28. Denver Broncos (5-11, No. 27)
Whoever general manager John Elway chooses as his quarterback fails.
29. Indianapolis Colts (4-12, No. 30)
This is where Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels ends up.
30. Houston Texans (4-12, No. 29)
With healthy quarterback Deshaun Watson and pass rusher J.J. Watt, idiots like me fall all over themselves while predicting the Texans win the AFC.
31. New York Giants (3-13, No. 31)
Whatever it is, it's better than 2017.
32. Cleveland Browns (0-16, No. 32)
It might not actually be any better than 2017.
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