1. New England Patriots (1-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
New England is going to be without running back Jeremy Hill for the rest of the season, so somehow the Patriots will have to make do with the other 12 backs on their roster or just line up any of the other players and tell them that they're running backs now (and they'll do it successfully).
2. Minnesota Vikings (1-0, No. 6)
Yes, the Vikings looked great in their win against the San Francisco 49ers but more importantly, they signed offensive lineman Bryan Witzmann. If they have any sense of humor at all, they'll call him the "Witz-enator."
(You had no idea that this week's rankings would include a 13-year-old, Onterrio Smith reference. It's a joke you didn't want but you also didn't need.)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0, No. 3)
I realize they managed to win their opener, but they've clearly
fallen on tough times
. Of course, if they keep trotting
Boyz II Men
out before the game, no one is going to care about the results. (Suggestion for our national anthem crisis: we just make "Motownphilly" the anthem now. Everybody's standing for that.)
4. Los Angeles Rams (1-0, No. 4)
I can't believe this, but a tweet from ESPN's Darren Rovell moved me to the edge of tears this week. This isn't hyperbole. It also isn't because after searching for the Boyz II Men anthem on YouTube, I just let a Boyz II Men playlist keep playing, leading me to a version of "One Sweet Day" they did with Mariah Carey. It's actually because of
about defensive tackle Aaron Donald's parents. Geez.
5. Green Bay Packers (1-0, No. 5)
Sex is great and all, but have you ever watched Aaron Rodgers play football?
How freaking great is Aaron Rodgers? One of his own teammates
to purchase his jersey just so he could wear it around town.
6. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0, No. 10)
Honestly, the biggest story of Week 1 was the Chiefs getting the answer that new starting quarterback Patrick Mahomes is legit. The second biggest question answered in Week 1? "Now in year two, have the Chargers
managed to develop a fan base
in Los Angeles?"
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0, No. 9)
The good news is running back Leonard Fournette's injury isn't serious. The bad news is you still drafted Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce instead of him. But those 1.6 points Sunday were nice too.
8. Baltimore Ravens (1-0, No. 17)
Since obviously we'll all be in Atlanta for a week in February (obviously), it's important that you start planning ahead. We'll definitely be trying the
pork belly risotto
at Double Zero and
offers a $10 all-you-can-eat soul food buffet. We'll be spending $100 there.
9. New Orleans Saints (0-1, No. 2)
The good news for the Saints is nothing.
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-0-1, No. 8)
It's that thing where you're undefeated and you were on the wrong side of the most embarrassing result of the season simultaneously.
11. Carolina Panthers (1-0, No. 13)
If the NFL gave
points for cleats
the Panthers would have won by six billion, though.
12. Houston Texans (0-1, No. 7)
Similarly, if the NFL gave points for
, quarterback Deshaun Watson would have led the Texans to the same dominance against the Patriots.
13. Chicago Bears (0-1, No. 12)
Sure, you were on the wrong end of one of the most demoralizing losses in recent NFL history, but at least you still have those three wins over the Packers this decade. In 18 tries.
14. Washington Redskins (1-0, No. 21)
No shtick, the Redskins looked really good in their win against the Arizona Cardinals. And despite a couple of injuries at receiver, they're reportedly not interested in free agent Dez Bryant, which is like the most un-Redskins sentence I've ever written in my life.
15. Denver Broncos (1-0, No. 22)
I have no idea what a Phillip Lindsay is, so naturally I'm going to sell my soul to try to get him on the waiver wire in all of my leagues. As such, he will almost certainly have zero more big games this season.
16. Atlanta Falcons (0-1, No. 11)
17. San Francisco 49ers (0-1, No. 14)
I'm old enough to remember when quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was good.
18. Los Angeles Chargers (0-1, No. 15)
Thought that earlier picture of the Chargers' crowd was bad? How about a
wider shot of the stadium
? There are more people who have never watched tennis and DON'T have an opinion on Serena Williams than there are Los Angeles Chargers fans.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0, No. 32)
Have you seen that video of the
dog ignoring the bear
in the snow? The dog is the Buccaneers, and the bear is all of our preseason predictions.
20. New York Jets (1-0, No. 31)
Or the same thing, but replace "Buccaneers" with "Jets." Holy hell.
21. Cincinnati Bengals (1-0, No. 24)
Thoughts and prayers to the Ravens broadcast crew before they have to tackle
this week. Also, the Bengals should consider it fortunate they don't have to face the
Ravens' marching band
this week. Those guys aren't losing a game.
22. Miami Dolphins (1-0, No. 25)
For the rest of eternity*, the Dolphins will be able to say they won the longest game in NFL history.
(*Climate change indicates this record might only last a short period of time, because there will likely be a game delayed by a hurricane and blizzard at some point in the near future.)
23. Seattle Seahawks (0-1, No. 19)
Remember that Phillip Lindsay bit from earlier? Just read it again but replace his name with "Will Dissly," which is reportedly a tight end and not a word that showed up in the Scripps National Spelling Bee that some 12-year-old could spell flawlessly despite you being certain it was totally made up.
24. Tennessee Titans (0-1, No. 16)
The single least surprising story of Week 1 was former Ravens linebacker Kamalei Correa having a sack during his Titans debut. The surprising storyline is that it doesn't remotely bother us because Ravens cornerbacks can do that in their sleep. (Also, losing tight end Delanie Walker kills them.)
25. New York Giants (0-1, No. 18)
New York football fans are roasting the Giants for passing on quarterback Sam Darnold in the draft and taking running back Saquon Barkley instead. Imagine having that good of a problem. "Yeah, sure, your Tesla seems amazing but just imagine what other cars you COULD have had!"
26. Dallas Cowboys (0-1, No. 23)
It's weird. It's almost like putting together a roster with no qualified receivers might lead to having an incompetent offense. You see, that's funny now because in Baltimore we can no longer relate.
27. Oakland Raiders (0-1, No. 27)
I'd drop them further because, seriously, head coach Jon Gruden is embarrassing and they're a disaster. But I could not be happier to have seen
of a young Marshawn Lynch, who might have been a good fit in Boyz II Men.
28. Cleveland Browns (0-0-1, No. 29)
29. Indianapolis Colts (0-1, No. 28)
It's that thing where everybody talks about how important it is to have your quarterback back but kinda forgets you have like nothing else.
30. Arizona Cardinals (0-1, No. 26)
New NFL head coaches (like the Cardinals' Steve Wilks) went 0-7 this week. But if we're being fair, Elon Musk thinks they're showing great leadership.
31. Detroit Lions (0-1, No. 20)
Since he had ZERO yards during the first quarter and finished with four interceptions against the Jets Sept. 10, I think it's safe to assume Matthew Stafford was the worst quarterback in the league in Week 1.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-1, No. 30)
... Oh, right. Nevermind.