1. Kansas City Chiefs (2-0 record, No. 6 ranking last week)
His nickname is "Patty Cakes," he looks
better in jorts
than even John Cena and he might just be the quarterbacking messiah. Quarterback Patrick Mahomes is such a bankable star that the NFL will...probably end up keeping most of his games as regional 1 p.m. kickoffs while the Dallas Cowboys continue to get the prime national slots and then wonder why ratings are such an issue.
2. Los Angeles Rams (2-0, No. 4)
Credit to Golden State Warriors star Kevin Durant for the self-awareness to
make a joke
about joining the Rams. Further credit for remembering to do it on the right account. Unless his actual account is also a burner account and maybe Kevin Durant is actually some random dude named Rich from Murfreesboro, Tenn., and nothing is real at all.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-0, No. 7)
Congratulations to the Jaguars for, based on the reaction of their fan base, winning the Super Bowl. (But seriously, that was an amazing win, and aside from losing left tackle Cam Robinson and also being in Jacksonville, they have a lot to be excited about.)
4. Minnesota Vikings (1-0-1, No. 2)
Reporter: What went into the decision today to let [kicker] Daniel Carlson go?
[Vikings coach Mike] Zimmer: Did you see the game?
Reporter: Was it an easy decision?
Zimmer: Yeah, it was pretty easy.
5. Green Bay Packers (1-0-1, No. 5)
I understand the Nicki Minaj/Cardi B feud better than I understand why pass rusher Clay Matthews was flagged for roughing for his hit on Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins.
6. New England Patriots (1-1, No. 1)
Yeah, they lost to the Jaguars. But they'll almost certainly make receiver Josh Gordon Josh Gordon again. AlonzoMourningShrug.gif.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0, No. 19)
You think there's some sort of quarterback controversy in Tampa when Jameis Winston returns? No fooking chance.
(Buccaneers quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick dressed up like UFC star Conor McGregor...he's from Ireland...uses the f-word a lot but it sounds like he's saying 'fook' instead. I wish we were all on the same level when I do these things.)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1, No. 3)
Quarterback Carson Wentz is set to return this week, just in time to work with a
that would make the 2017 Ravens blush.
9. New Orleans Saints (1-1, No. 9)
I thought they were the favorites in the NFC. But in two home games, they lost to the Buccaneers and if the Browns had even a semi-competent kicker they would have lost to them as well. The Saints' season so far is as awkward as talking to the Beatles about Brigitte Bardot.
10. Denver Broncos (2-0, No. 15)
The Ravens had no problem at all with the Cincinnati Bengals' Andy Dalton and A.J. Green in Week 2, so the Broncos' Case Keenum and receiver Demaryius Thomas should be no trouble either, right? If you're a stress eater like me, Chick-fil-A just started offering a 30 piece nugget tray. Purchasing 17 or so should get you through the week.
11. Chicago Bears (1-1, No. 13)
Quick power ranking of Mitches:
5. Former Phillies closer Mitch Williams (before he went nuts on a youth baseball umpire) and basketball Hall of Famer Mitch Richmond (tie)
4. Mitch from "Old School" (Luke Wilson's character; he'd be higher on the list but he had some questionable judgment)
3. Mitch from "Dirty Work" (Norm MacDonald's character who triumphantly overcame a pretty traumatizing experience)
2. Bears quarterback Mitch Trubisky
1. Mitch from "Baywatch" (The Hoff. No explanation necessary.)
12. Cincinnati Bengals (2-0, No. 21)
But like, they're the Bengals. How much faith can I really have here?
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1-1, No. 10)
Wide receiver Antonio Brown
to a former Steelers PR guy calling him out by saying the team can trade him? Did the Steelers become like the 2004 Orioles or something?
14. Atlanta Falcons (1-1, No. 16)
So you mean to tell me quarterback Matt Ryan is actually still a thing and maybe we shouldn't overreact to just one week (or even two...or three) at the start of the NFL season? Look, I'm not the one reading some internet jerk's power rankings.
15. San Francisco 49ers (1-1, No. 17)
Similarly, the 49ers are apparently not canceled, either. For the record, running back Matt Breida leads the league in rushing through two weeks. Fitzpatrick leads in passing, wideout DeSean Jackson leads in receiving and the 2018 NFL season leads in WTF-ing.
16. Baltimore Ravens (1-1, No. 8)
No Jimmy Smith AND no C.J. Mosley AND a popular grocery store just started
selling carrot cake spread
? It's going to be a long, shameful week of stress eating in the Glenn Clark house.
17. Los Angeles Chargers (1-1, No. 18)
"Dear Chargers fans, maybe don't get too excited. They're THAT bad. Love, Baltimore."
18. Carolina Panthers (1-1, No. 11)
Perhaps lost in their defeat at the hands of the Falcons is the news that former Maryland receiver DJ Moore is now most certainly a thing. Which is nice considering we also learned this weekend that the current Terps are probably not.
19. Miami Dolphins (2-0, No. 22)
Perhaps you've noticed the winless Steelers are 13th on my list and undefeated Dolphins are 19th. Remember when Machine Gun Kelly put out that Eminem diss track and everyone was super excited about it, and then a couple of days later Eminem absolutely leveled MGK and all was right in the world? This is sort of like that.*
(*I have no idea if that's how any of that actually happened. I've heard none of these songs. I've simply relied on Twitter in an attempt to have something to talk about with the new batch of PressBox interns.)
20. Tennessee Titans (1-1, No. 24)
21. Houston Texans (0-2, No. 12)
Picking the Saints and the Texans to square off in the Super Bowl was perhaps not my best choice. In fact, I would say I am to picking Super Bowl teams what the Arkansas football team is to
22. Dallas Cowboys (1-1, No. 26)
You know what's interesting about the Cowboys? Nothing.
23. Indianapolis Colts (1-1, No. 29)
Congratulations to former Maryland quarterback Frank Reich on his first win as an NFL head coach.*
24. Washington Redskins (1-1, No. 14)
(*Despite the many, many, many, many, many empty seats for a friggin' home opener, the Redskins are still an NFL team.)
25. New York Jets (1-1, No. 20)
The NFL scheduled Jets/Browns for Thursday Night Football this week because, I presume, they wanted to prove all of the people suggesting the league is suffering from oversaturation are right?
26. Seattle Seahawks (0-2, No. 23)
You all can make fun of the Seahawks if you'd like, but they're now the active home of my
favorite football player
(maybe ever?), so I won't be joining you. You're probably expecting me to say something clever or funny here. But why would I start now?
27. Detroit Lions (0-2, No. 31)
Things have gotten so bad in Detroit that its newspapers are apparently
just rehashing stories
they've clearly written every single season.
28. Cleveland Browns (0-1-1, No. 28)
Is it time for the Browns to turn to rookie quarterback Baker Mayfield? Let's not pretend like it matters.
29. New York Giants (0-2, No. 25)
If you're keeping track at home, the only Giants-related take anyone is going to offer this season is that no matter how good running back Saquon Barkley might be, they should have drafted a quarterback. Talking to a Giants fan is sort of going to be like talking to your Uncle Bob.
"Hey Uncle Bob, how's everything in your world?"
"Just really glad we didn't elect Hillary Clinton."
"Right, but I heard you had some surgery?"
"Hillary Clinton needs brain surgery."
30. Oakland Raiders (0-2, No. 27)
Sure, the Raiders kinda suck and head coach Jon Gruden doesn't remotely appear to be worth the money BUT once they get to Las Vegas, they can drown their sorrows and their inhibitions in this
10.5 pound burger
. And hey! Sept. 18 just happens to be National Cheeseburger Day! Hard-hitting journalism over here, you guys.
31. Arizona Cardinals (0-2, No. 30)
Receiver Larry Fitzgerald doesn't deserve this. Hell, singer Michael Fitzpatrick from Fitz & The Tantrums wouldn't deserve this, and he's responsible for me not being able to get that stupid "I can make your hands clap" song out of my head for the last 24 months.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-2, No. 32)
The Bills ban jumping off of tables and cornerback Vontae Davis just quits, and NO ONE thinks there's a correlation?