Here are my Week 5 NFL Power Rankings:
1. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
2. Los Angeles Rams (4-0, No. 2)
Saying the Rams are an unstoppable juggernaut that seems unbeatable as long as they keep quarterback Jared Goff healthy feels about as obvious as saying, "The Orioles would be better off giving the rest of Chris Davis' contract to
this little girl
," yet we still feel like we have the responsibility to say it.
3. New Orleans Saints (3-1, No. 4)
You see what the Saints are doing with quarterback and special teamer Taysom Hill? (Quick -- name ANYONE else in football history that could have been described that way.) It's fun to look at, but it doesn't have any really significant impact outside of being different. The Ravens are doing the same with quarterback Lamar Jackson except somehow it's even less effective. Oh, and Hill is a 28-year-old third-stringer plucked off the scrap heap, and if he gets hurt it's completely irrelevant. But otherwise it's totally proof that the Lamar Jackson stuff makes sense, you guys.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-1, No. 5)
I feel like I could kinda like the Jaguars sometimes, but then I see that they're selling
TEAL hot dog buns
and I'm back out again because that picture is just grotesque.
Seriously. Who actually puts relish on a hot dog? Monsters.
5. Chicago Bears (3-1, No. 6)
I mean, I have no issue with the teal bun. If the teal bun was wrapped around
this hot dog
with Apple mustard, caramelized onions and Funyuns, then I'd gobble it up. It's the relish. Why do we keep pretending that relish is acceptable in any form that doesn't have "cranberry" in front of it?
(You see, this is okay because ESPN's Darren Rovell found this hot dog at a Chicago Cubs game, and the Cubs share a city with the Bears so technically it's related. Also, I'm going to start quarterback Mitch Trubisky instead of Russell Wilson next week, and if he throws for six touchdowns again I'll buy everyone an apple mustard hot dog that clicks on this.)
6. Green Bay Packers (2-1-1, No. 7)
Credit to Packers players for their dominant win against the Bills and for absolutely not disrespecting the flag before the game. Because
that would be terrible
7. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2, No. 3)
Speaking of fantasy football, I'm very happy receiver Alshon Jeffery is back. Like, even happier than I am that
mashed potato waffles
are a thing.
8. Baltimore Ravens (3-1, No. 11)
I'm still not entirely certain what "boofing" is, but I'm pretty sure it is related to taking your red-hot quarterback off the field on third down. (Also, I'm really glad they beat the Steelers and I promise* to stop bitching about the Lamar Jackson stuff for the rest of power rankings.)
(*I'll try anyway.)
9. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1, No. 14)
AND now the Bengals get linebacker Vontaze Burfict back from a four game suspension, so it was fun while it lasted, I guess.
10. Tennessee Titans (3-1, No. 16)
Receiver Corey Davis, meet "you shouldn't take receivers in the first round because they don't pan out" Twitter. "You shouldn't take receivers in the first round because they don't pan out" Twitter, meet receiver Corey Davis.
11. Minnesota Vikings (1-2-1, No. 8)
I think they'll be okay, but that's mostly because I
broke my ankles
just watching this clip.
12. Carolina Panthers (2-1, No. 12)
So we did bye week fun facts about cities two years ago and about team mascots last year. This year bye weeks will be handled by listing random names of players who used to (or currently) play for the team. It will make no sense. For example:
And I thank you.
13. New England Patriots (2-2, No. 17)
Running back Sony Michel looks legit. Receiver Josh Gordon has his feet underneath him now. Receiver Julian Edelman returns this week. So if you were wondering what a "Devil's Triangle" was ...
14. Miami Dolphins (3-1, No. 13)
Buying into the Dolphins at 3-0 was something I was no more likely to do than I am to turn to Kanye West for political advice.
Or music (post-2007).
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2-1, No. 10)
16. Denver Broncos (2-2, No. 15)
I know some people might have doubts about quarterback Case Keenum, but the Broncos believe in him and are standing by him. And yeah,
that makes sense
17. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2, No. 20)
But at least we'll never have to worry if the Ravens might have been better off just keeping the 16th pick and taking safety Derwin James.
18. Washington Redskins (2-1, No. 19)
Let's try this again. Ready?
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2, No. 9)
The good news is there's no longer a quarterback controversy. The bad news is that's because they clearly don't have a quarterback.
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-2, No. 23)
In fairness, safety Earl Thomas' reaction may have just been because someone asked him a question. Like, "How many people in human history have ever instigated a bar fight after a UB40 concert?"
21. Atlanta Falcons (1-3, No. 18)
You: "I'm really surprised by what's going on with the Falcons."
Me: "Their quarterback looks like a church youth pastor who genuinely believes he understands what 'woke' is. They
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2, No. 26)
"The Cowboys are in prime-time again this week? BLESS YOU. BLESS YOU, NFL." Signed, Major League Baseball playoff rights holders
23. Detroit Lions (1-3, No. 21)
And since the Lions played the Cowboys Sept. 30 in a game that is truly the football equivalent of pure emptiness, why don't we just move along to No. 24 and not force me to pretend like I know something about it?
24. Cleveland Browns (1-2-1, No. 22)
It's that thing where we're all convinced the Browns are better, but things keep going against them and they're definitely going to end up winning two games anyway.
25. Houston Texans (1-3, No. 30)
Sure they got a win, but their start to the season has been about as natural and seamless as a
Kawhi Leonard laugh
26. Oakland Raiders (1-3, No. 31)
Similarly, it's hard to feel much better about the Raiders even after winning a game. Trusting them would make about as much sense as trusting Lindsay Lohan with your kids.
27. San Francisco 49ers (1-3, No. 24)
I know quarterback C.J. Beathard was actually decent this week, but we're still rooting for the 49ers to make the bold move, right?
Yep. It's time for them to it. They need to sign Brett Favre.
(I mean, you KNOW it's killing him to watch Mahomes right now and not have a chance to show him what a real Favre looks like.)
28. Indianapolis Colts (1-3, No. 25)
Ryder Cup captain Jim Furyk doesn't understand why everyone is so down on head coach Frank Reich's decision making.
29. Buffalo Bills (1-3, No. 27)
Remember the time that girl Amy inexplicably let you kiss her while you guys were on that high school trip to a ski lodge and then she went right back to pretending you didn't exist the next day? That's the Bills' win against the Vikings last week, basically.
30. New York Giants (1-3, No. 28)
The Giants are about as lame as hack internet talk show hosts who think "Wake Me Up When September Ends"
are funny in 2018.
31. New York Jets (1-3, No. 29)
Jets fans are rather salty about Jaguars head coach Doug Marrone going for two at the end of their game Sept. 30. I probably could have ended that sentence before "about," come to think of it.
32. Arizona Cardinals (0-4, No. 32)
They're not really even that much fun to poke fun at.