Here are my Week 6 NFL Power Rankings:
1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Things someone might actually want to clone: quarterback Pat Mahomes and Kansas City's many, many offensive weapons.
Things no one would ever actually want to clone: your Facebook page.
2. Los Angeles Rams (5-0, No. 2)
3. New Orleans Saints (4-1, No. 3)
4. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1, No. 9)
Confused as to whether the Bengals are legitimately the team to beat in the AFC North? It's confusing. But there are things that are
5. Chicago Bears (3-1, No. 5)
If you'll remember, this year for bye weeks we're simply remembering a handful of players that used to play for the respective teams. Here we go:
Connie Mack Berry
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2, No. 4)
7. New England Patriots (3-2, No. 13)
I want to be first on the record to say that the Patriots will beat the Chiefs this week.
And also since there's absolutely no penalty for anything I say here, I also want to be first on the record to say anyone who thinks the Patriots are beating the Chiefs is stupid. Obviously Kansas City is winning.
8. Minnesota Vikings (2-2-1, No. 11)
Receiver Adam Thielen is the first player to ever have 100-plus yards receiving during each of his team's first five games. And sure, you might think that makes the Ravens look even worse because Thielen was undrafted while the Ravens wasted a first round pick on receiver Breshad Perriman and gave Michael Crabtree a huge contract. But when you think about it, you're right.
9. Carolina Panthers (3-1, No. 12)
I genuinely like kicker Graham Gano and was thrilled for him when he made the 63-yarder to beat the New York Giants Oct. 7. He's so impressive I think he might be capable of bringing back to life the man his
10. Green Bay Packers (2-2-1, No. 6)
Kicker Mason Crosby had all of the presence of a
up for auction.
11. Baltimore Ravens (3-2, No. 8)
Perhaps you're depressed about the Ravens surrendering the Cleveland Browns' first win on a Sunday in nearly three years. But I have good news! You see, we're all apparently
going to die in about 10 years
, so none of this really matters!
12. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3, No. 7)
Eagles running back Jay Ajayi is now out for the season.
When reached for comment, former Eagles assistant Marty Mornhinweg said, "What's a running back?"
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2-1, No. 15)
With Ajayi out, rumors have swirled about the possibility of the Eagles acquiring running back Le'Veon Bell from the Steelers. This makes sense when you think about it -- but then again, no, seriously, why wouldn't this happen?
14. Tennessee Titans (3-2, No. 10)
"Hey, you guys wanna talk about Taylor Swift endorsing political candidates and nothing else?" -- Every Titans employee in public this week
15. Los Angeles Chargers (3-2, No. 17)
I will do this column for as long as PressBox compensates me for it (which I still don't really understand -- maybe they think it's a charity thing?) and never come up with anything as funny as the "Dean Spanos = the Mark Davis haircut of NFL owners"
that flew over the game Sunday.
16. Houston Texans (2-3, No. 25)
I'm not exactly thrilled to tell you I watched the "Sunday Night Football" game despite having learned earlier in the evening about the existence of the
pecan pie brownie
. I seriously regret that decision, as the correct one would have been just getting in the car after the Ravens game and driving to wherever Wyoming, Ohio is. (By the way, imagine telling Ryan Lochte you want to meet him in Wyoming, Ohio. I'll give you five minutes then compose yourself and meet me at No. 17.)
17. Miami Dolphins (3-2, No. 14)
I feel bad for Dolphins fans watching their team being exposed as the frauds we all knew they were when they were 3-2. To cheer them up, a
they passed on Brees because then-head coach Dave Wannstedt liked quarterback Josh Heupel just as much.
18. Detroit Lions (2-3, No. 23)
The bad news is Ryan Tannehill is the next quarterback they face (after the bye week) and since he's terrible, they'll probably lose. But they have another game against the Packers' Aaron Rodgers and a date with the Seattle Seahawks' Russell Wilson on the schedule, so they have at least two more wins coming!
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2, No. 19)
Bye week fun:
20. Cleveland Browns (2-2-1, No. 24)
Kind of bogus, though, that the officials didn't allow the Ravens to get those last two seconds Browns coach Hue Jackson
wanted to give them
21. Denver Broncos (2-3, No. 16)
Sure, getting your asses kicked by the Jets is embarrassing ... but there can be
22. Seattle Seahawks (2-3, No. 20)
The Seahawks were actually fairly impressive, even in their loss to the Rams. That's not particularly funny or folksy or anything like that, so here's an
of Brewers players' kids wishing their dads good luck in the playoffs because I've got no other open passing window to squeeze this in.
23. Washington Redskins (2-2, No. 18)
"Man, that was a rough return to the national stage." -- The UFC
24. Atlanta Falcons (1-4, No. 21)
Things are so bad for Falcons fans they might need a drink. Of
25. Dallas Cowboys (2-3, No. 22)
I know their coach is a laughingstock and they don't have any good players, but also at the Texas State Fair there's a c
orn dog ale with a mustard rim,
so who are the losers?
26. New York Jets (2-3, No. 31)
I understand why the movie "A Star Is Born" has been made FOUR FREAKING TIMES more than I understand the Jets' incredible performance against Denver.
27. Buffalo Bills (2-3, No. 29)
Since I can't really comprehend what the Bills did either, I'm going to talk about a topic I understand more. Did you know that it is National Pizza month? With that in mind, who wants to make a quick drive to Connecticut with me because I can't live another day without trying a
mashed potato and bacon 'za
28. Oakland Raiders (1-4, No. 26)
2018 Jon Gruden is the "Redskins cornerback Josh Norman
taking off his jersey
" of head coaches. Or the "Redskins cornerback Josh Norman playing cornerback" of head coaches, actually.
29. Indianapolis Colts (1-4, No. 28)
It's that thing where your current depth chart looks like the bit we do with teams during bye weeks.
Chester Rogers? Zach Pascal? Erik Swoope? TF are these guys?
30. New York Giants (1-4, No. 30)
If I was good at Photoshop, I'd make a "2018: Didn't Totally Embarrass Ourselves Against The Panthers" championship banner. Alas, I was not blessed with such a skill. Or any others.
31. Arizona Cardinals (1-4, No. 32)
Imagine paying money for tickets to the Cardinals-49ers game.
32. San Francisco 49ers (1-4, No. 27)
Imagine having to come up with two different things to say at the end of a lengthy column about the Cardinals-49ers game.