Here are my Week 10 NFL Power Rankings:
1. Kansas City Chiefs (8-1 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
When I saw that “thank u, next” was trending this weekend I just sort of assumed it was what the Chiefs say to their opponent after every game.
2. New Orleans Saints (7-1, No. 3)
Man, that thing with former Baltimore Ravens tight end Benjamin Watson this weekend was so cool. Actually I meant
was also really cool.
3. New England Patriots (7-2, No. 4)
Making Cordarrelle Patterson a successful running back somehow is just the most Patriots thing. I'll just assume former Ravens receiver Breshad Perriman somehow becomes their leading tackler next season.
4. Los Angeles Rams (8-1, No. 1)
Something tells me the Rams are going to be OK after suffering their first loss of the season. They might be undefeated but they still have the absolutely everything else to fall back on.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2-1, No. 5)
It bothers my soul to offer praise to the Steelers.
So I won't.
6. Houston Texans (6-3, No. 6)
The Texans are apparently the first team since 1970 to win six straight after starting a season 0-3.
For no reason at all, does anyone know who the last team was to lose 10 in a row after starting 4-2? Just wondering.
7. Los Angeles Chargers (6-2, No. 7)
TFW my 3-year-old tells me he absolutely doesn't need to pee just an hour before he inevitably pees in his bed again.
8. Carolina Panthers (6-2, No. 8)
Quarterback Cam Newton did
of his offensive coordinator after the Panthers' win Sunday. I have no idea if it's funny or if it's what Norv Turner sounds like but the internet seems to enjoy it and I have 24 more teams to comment on so enjoy.
9. Minnesota Vikings (5-3-1, No. 9)
The Vikings finished with 10 sacks during their win against the Detroit Lions Nov. 4. And there's actual reason to think they might record another sack at some point this season, unlike some other teams who had a double-digit sack game this season and shall remain nameless.
10. Cincinnati Bengals (5-3, No. 10)
It's bye week fun time. Here are 10 of the more random names in Bengals history:
Kimo von Oelhoffen
11. Chicago Bears (5-3, No. 12)
12. Green Bay Packers (3-4-1, No. 11)
Despite back-to-back, tough-to-stomach losses to the Rams and Patriots, I'm not dumb enough to write off quarterback Aaron Rodgers. And in case you were wondering, rookie receiver Marquez Valdes-Scantling's name is worth 49 Scrabble points while Equanimeous St. Brown is only worth a lame 34. Just your old pal Glenn doing all of the important reporting again.
13. Atlanta Falcons (4-4, No. 21)
Congratulations to Falcons receiver Julio Jones for getting his first touchdown of the season against the Redskins. You couldn't help but wonder if that guy was ever going to pan out.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (4-4, No. 14)
For the bye week:
15. Washington Redskins (5-3, No. 13)
The Redskins were thrashed by Atlanta, and then they announced receiver Paul Richardson and starting guards Shawn Lauvao and Brandon Scherff were all out for the season. So if you've ever been so sick that you had to just go to the shower because you didn't know what was going to happen next … imagine also slipping and falling in the tub.
16. Seattle Seahawks (4-4, No. 15)
17. Miami Dolphins (5-4, No. 19)
The Dolphins are so mediocre/honestly not good at all that I assume they'll be the ones to make the playoffs when Cleveland Browns receiver Jarvis Landry inevitably catches a last-second touchdown on fourth-and-23 against the Ravens in Baltimore Week 17.
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-5, No. 18)
Bye week nonsense:
Winston Guy Jr.
19. Baltimore Ravens (4-5, No. 16)
Live look at me this season when I watch the Ravens' offense or defense or special teams or John Harbaugh trying to explain not knowing when to call his timeouts.
20. Tennessee Titans (4-4, No. 22)
Quarterback Marcus Mariota genuinely looked as good as I can ever remember seeing him against the Cowboys. On the opposite side of that spectrum, I give you pro wrestler
21. Detroit Lions (3-5, No. 17)
The Lions fired special teams coordinator Joe Marciano this week, so, yeah, that probably fixes it.
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-5, No. 20)
And congratulations to the Buccaneers,
who have allowed
the most points (275) through eight games of any team in 45 years. I mean, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it well.
23. Indianapolis Colts (3-5, No. 25)
Bye week silliness:
Ivy Joe Hunter
24. Dallas Cowboys (3-5, No. 23)
Sure the Cowboys are terrible, but former Cowboy Michael Irvin did a great job of recreating that time when I was 15 and I learned from my mother that computers stored a list of which websites you had visited…
25. Denver Broncos (3-6, No. 24)
For Broncos fans, losing to receiver Demaryius Thomas and the Texans must have felt like being stabbed with your own knife. You know, the one that you could have sworn you just saw in your drawer like two days earlier.
26. Cleveland Browns (2-6-1, No. 26)
The Browns are a decade-plus-long dumpster fire that for some reason some people keep thinking more of than they ever possibly should. They're like the football version of
this picture of Post Malone
(or as I know him, "the state of Florida if it were a person") wearing Crocs. There's nothing there. Stop pretending like there is.
27. New York Jets (3-6, No. 27)
Cheer up Jets fans! I mean, obviously everything is terrible and all but if you watch
you'll know how to make a crock-pot Reese's cake and tell me how that might possibly be a problem.
28. Arizona Cardinals (2-6, No. 28)
For the bye week:
Ivory Lee Brown
29. San Francisco 49ers (2-7, No. 32)
I can't wait until the Redskins trade three draft picks for quarterback Nick Mullens at the end of the season.
30. Buffalo Bills (2-7, No. 30)
I've been looking for an excuse to thread in
this insane news conference
of Washington State coach Mike Leach raving about a live buffalo mascot, and since the Bills were named after Buffalo Bill Cody, this is the best chance I'll get.
31. New York Giants (1-7, No. 31)
And this bye week:
32. Oakland Raiders (1-7, No. 29)
If Jon Gruden offered to be the next coach at the University of Maryland for $300,000 a year, would you even want him?
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox