1. New Orleans Saints (10-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Dan Arnold. Keith Kirkwood. Austin Carr. Tommylee Lewis. Fergal Devitt.
All of these are undrafted receivers who caught passes from Drew Brees on Thanksgiving. That's unbelievable.
(Update: apparently only the first four are. The fifth is actually the real name of WWE star "Finn Balor." We regret the error. But we bet you didn't catch it.)
2. Los Angeles Rams (10-1, No. 2)
It's our last bye week, so we don't have many more opportunities to think about 10 of the most random names in a team's history. Here goes:
3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-2, No. 3)
So this is the last one. Our final bye week list of names. I'll always have the memories. From "Buster Rhymes" to "Munger" to whatever I'm about to find here. I will miss this. I love you all. See you on the other side.
Walker Lee Ashley
John Paul Foschi
4. Houston Texans (8-3, No. 5)
Unlike some members of the Texans, I've never seen a mule double-kick a donkey. But I bet it's less painful than Lamar Miller's 97-yard touchdown run (which immediately followed a failed fourth-down conversion) was for the Tennessee Titans this week.
5. Chicago Bears (8-3, No. 6)
Much like Bears quarterback Chase Daniel, I am a member of Club Tub.
(I was just informed that the Bears apparently don't celebrate bath time with their 3-year-old and 1-year-old sons by calling it "Club Tub." Apparently their celebrations after victories are called "Club Dub." That actually makes much more sense. I do not believe I'm a member of "Club Dub." But "Club Tub" is fun, too, if you like having about six gallons worth of water splashed on you while you try to convince too tiny humans not to drink any of it because bathwater is disgusting, anyway.)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3-1, No. 4)
of every Ravens fan reacting when Ben Roethlisberger was intercepted in the closing seconds against the Broncos.
7. New England Patriots (8-3, No. 7)
New England gets running back Rex Burkhead back this week. I have a better grasp on the Brexit situation than I do what this means for fantasy football owners now.
8. Los Angeles Chargers (8-3, No. 8)
And obviously the news of running back Melvin Gordon's MCL sprain just had to be devastating to all of the Chargers fan.
9. Indianapolis Colts (6-5, No. 9)
Ladies, if he:
- Didn't invite you to his family's Thanksgiving gathering
- Has seemed distant
- Forgot about your anniversary
- Only ever wears a football uniform over his giant blue gut
- Is seemingly obsessed with humping the air
10. Minnesota Vikings (6-4-1, No. 10)
Receiver Adam Thielen now has nine 100-yard receiving games for the Vikings this season. If you'll remember, the Ravens are so bad at receiving that they tried to give Ryan Grant $29 million this offseason. Ryan Grant has never had a 100-yard receiving day.
If you need me, I'll be doing shots. Of lighter fluid.
11. Seattle Seahawks (6-5, No. 11)
Congratulations to Russell Wilson on securing his 71st career win this week, making him the all-time winningest quarterback in Seahawks history. But I wouldn't get comfortable if I were Wilson because Glenn Foley could decide to come out of retirement at any moment and he's currently only 70 wins back.
12. Dallas Cowboys (6-5, No. 14)
Things are going pretty well in Cowboys-land. Not only are they a nearly sure thing to win the NFC East at this point, but it isn't really even that big of a deal that they had to play on Thanksgiving and miss dinner because some
Pringles potato chip Thanksgivin
g was probably just as good.
13. Baltimore Ravens (6-5, No. 15)
Do you have an opinion about which quarterback should start for the Ravens? Do you have a friend with a differing opinion? Perhaps you should find another topic to discuss this week, as your debate is likely to be about as fruitful as an attempt at ranking "Rocky" movies. (Except, obviously, "Rocky V" being last. Someone who thinks "Rocky V" isn't last is as dumb as someone who thinks the answer to the Ravens' quarterback controversy is Josh Woodrum.)
14. Carolina Panthers (6-5, No. 13)
But if you insist on debating the Ravens' quarterback situation, perhaps you should say to your friend "so do you think _______ is a good quarterback? Yes? Well, as it turns out, the Panthers are proof that
having a good quarterbac
k actually makes you lose, so clearly the other guy should play!"
15. Denver Broncos (5-6, No. 19)
Unfortunately tight end Jeff Heuerman is now out for the season with three broken ribs and a bruised lung. Because apparently while the rest of the team was facing the Steelers, he was facing Ivan Drago?
16. Green Bay Packers (4-6-1, No. 12)
17. Washington Redskins (6-5, No. 16)
I honestly still love their chances of winning … in EA Sports' NCAA Football 2008. I mean, they have Colt McCoy AND Mark Sanchez AND found some eligibility for Adrian Peterson? That's incredible.
18. Cleveland Browns (4-6-1, No. 23)
If you want to know how I feel about the Baker Mayfield/Hue Jackson situation, the honest answer is I don't.
19. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6, No. 24)
Remember that Saints receiver list from earlier? If I told you that of the following four names, three were cornerbacks the Eagles had to turn to against the Giants and the other was the real name of WWE superstar Roman Reigns, would you be able to pick him out?
Cre'Von LeBlanc. Chandon Sullivan. Leati Anoa'i. De'Vante Bausby.
I mean, I knew you couldn't but it was a fun exercise nonetheless.
20. Tennessee Titans (5-6, No. 17)
The bad news is they've lost back-to-back division games. The good news is that there's
pickle bloody mary mix
21. Cincinnati Bengals (5-6, No. 18)
With quarterback Andy Dalton hurt, the Bengals now turn to Jeff Driskel, who is best known for nothing.
22. Miami Dolphins (5-6, No. 21)
Dolphins. Ravens. Spiderman pointing meme.
23. Atlanta Falcons (4-7, No. 20)
Sure, the Falcons are disappointing and all, but writing them off ahead of the game against the Ravens Dec. 2? That would be as dumb as not getting your loved ones a $75 Chili's queso bomber jacket! (No, seriously, it's a
24. Detroit Lions (4-7, No. 22)
I wouldn't feel too bad if I were a Lions fan. I mean, if I had a nickel for every team that lost a home game to Chase Daniel on national TV, I'd have … no nickels.
(I mean, I would have briefly had one from the Lions, but I'd probably leave it in a change jar somewhere because who would want to carry around a single nickel?)
25. Buffalo Bills (4-7, No. 27)
Hey Bills cornerback Tre'Davious White, could you direct me as to whether things have gone forward or backward for Jalen Ramsey since he trashed everyone this offseason?
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7, No. 28)
And congratulations to the Bucs for winning a football game that I have to imagine was very highly rated.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8, No. 25)
The Jaguars are switching to Cody Kessler at quarterback, a development that interests me about as much as finding out that Amanda Bynes is back. Or was apparently gone.
28. New York Giants (3-8, No. 26)
With their season basically over, there's much speculation that the Giants could bench quarterback Eli Manning in favor of Alex Tanney or Kyle Lauletta, and you know what? I need to move on immediately or else I'm going to fall asleep while typing about the Giants.
29. Oakland Raiders (2-9, No. 29)
But if you're interested, I can already tell you who the Raiders are going to select with all of their recently acquired first-round picks.
30. New York Jets (3-8, No. 30)
Sadly for New York fans, only one Jets player proved to be
for New England.
31. San Francisco 49ers (2-9, No. 31)
They lost again. At least I assume. I certainly didn't actually see it.
32. Arizona Cardinals (2-9, No. 32)
If you'll remember, they actually had an early 10-0 lead against the Chargers. Which is roughly as confusing as the existence of
"sweet potato poon."