1. Los Angeles Rams (11-1 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
The Rams became the first team to win their division this season … unless you count the New England Patriots, of course, who clinched the 2018 AFC East title sometime around 2012.
2. Houston Texans (9-3, No. 4)
Considering I picked the Texans to win the Super Bowl this year and felt pretty stupid shortly into the season, perhaps I should start gloating now. But to honor the Texans' biggest fan, I'm "not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent."
Safe home, President Bush.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (10-2, No. 3)
Considering the seriousness of what's going on with the Chiefs right now, I'd rather not make a joke here. Which is good because the internet just made a video about making
French onion chicken
and I didn't know how I was going to squeeze it in so we can just do that now.
4. New Orleans Saints (10-2, No. 1)
The Saints' loss to the Dallas Cowboys was rather surprising. I mean, not "
tampering with a witness
right in front of everyone" surprising, but surprising still.
5. New England Patriots (9-3, No. 7)
Congratulations to Tom Brady for reaching 1,000 career rushing yards. Or as Lamar Jackson calls it, "my plans for the month."
6. Los Angeles Chargers (9-3, No. 8)
Congratulations to Philip Rivers for a big win and also because he and his wife are expecting their ninth child. In the horse racing world, you get retired and put out to stud. Apparently in the football world it's done in the reverse order.
7. Chicago Bears (8-4, No. 5)
But we all agree that if a team scores a
fat guy touchdown
it should actually count as five, right?
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-4-1, No. 6)
That's a brutal missed false start that changed the course of the Steelers-Chargers game Dec. 2. It absolutely can't happen. In fact, I found
of a friend of mine and I reacting to the dreadful no-call.
9. Dallas Cowboys (7-5, No. 12)
10. Seattle Seahawks (7-5, No. 11)
ICYMI, the Seahawks honored cornerback Richard Sherman by recreating one of his
in a celebration Dec. 2. And by making the San Francisco 49ers look like sorry asses again.
11. Baltimore Ravens (7-5, No. 13)
You could say the Ravens are 3-0 because of Lamar Jackson, but considering he fumbled the ball three times Dec. 2 it would sort of be like saying the "Rocky" franchise was good because of Paulie.
(I think Jackson is better than he was against the Atlanta Falcons. But we have to be honest.)
12. Minnesota Vikings (6-5-1, No. 10)
You guys like to beat up Ravens offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, but I have to give him some credit. It's not easy to get from Atlanta to Foxborough, Mass., in time for a 4:25 p.m. kickoff in order to apparently moonlight as a
play-caller for the Vikings
13. Indianapolis Colts (6-6, No. 9)
I understand that giant cow better than I understand what happened to the Colts Dec. 2.
14. Denver Broncos (6-6, No. 15)
What do the potential Rookie of the Year (running back Phillip Lindsay) and me during fourth-grade kickball have in common? We both went unselected.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (6-6, No. 19)
While I had won my fantasy football matchups already going into "Monday Night Football," I needed a few more points from the Eagles' offense to lock up another bye. And I'm so f*cking grateful for my…Wentz.
16. Carolina Panthers (6-6, No. 14)
's Albert Breer got dragged for
(which is fine because the tweet was stupid and he deserved to be dragged for it), but the biggest question I have is how anyone can look at Cam Newton there with a straight face…and not think he looks flipping amazing. That whole deal is FIRE.
17. Tennessee Titans (6-6, No. 20)
I'd love to tell you something about the Titans' win against the New York Jets, but that would require someone besides a friend or a family member having watched it.
18. Miami Dolphins (6-6, No. 22)
I know he had a tough stretch, but I think
New York Times
was a little unfair to Dolphins quarterback Brock Osweiler.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-7, No. 26)
Congratulations to quarterback Jameis Winston on becoming the Buccaneers' all-time leader in passing touchdowns, passing your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine for first place on the list.
20. Washington Redskins (6-6, No. 17)
I refuse to believe they wouldn't at least have a chance if they called him and that he wouldn't at least be willing to take the call. It's time.
Call Jay Cutler.
21. Cleveland Browns (4-7-1, No. 18)
For their sake, I hope the Browns have become more of a warm weather team. You know, since in Cleveland it's no longer allowed to be
22. Green Bay Packers (4-7-1, No. 16)
I gotta be honest, this really was all very stunning.
I mean…her name is actually "Abcde?" I'm not making fun of it (at least not publicly!), but really?
Oh yeah, and the McCarthy thing. That was wild too.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (5-7, No. 21)
I guess you could say they got Driskelled.
Damn it. I mean, if he just spelled it "Driskil" or "Driskill" that would work so much better. It wouldn't be funny obviously, but that's never stopped you from clicking before.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8, No. 27)
I did not see that coming.
I just didn't think my night would involve downing four jugs of "
Oreo Drink Mix
." But after I found out it was a thing, what was I supposed to do?
And yeah, the Jaguars were surprising too.
25. Atlanta Falcons (4-8, No. 23)
I just learned that 16.8 percent of the Falcons' run plays this year have been negative. So if you think about it, the Falcons' run offense is the EXACT opposite of Chris Davis.
26. Detroit Lions (4-8, No. 24)
27. New York Giants (4-8, No. 28)
Congratulations to Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. on becoming the first player in NFL history with 1,000 receiving yards and two passing touchdowns in one season. You might say that's a random and completely meaningless stat but then again, you'd be right.
28. Buffalo Bills (4-8, No. 25)
A nearly miraculous pass from quarterback Josh Allen to tight end Charles Clay came up short in the Bills' loss to the Dolphins Dec. 2 and all told, it was one of the better moments in recent Bills history.
29. Arizona Cardinals (3-9, No. 32)
Great news for the Cardinals. Not only did they get a stunning win, they also
might now be
the frontrunners to land Bryce Harper!
30. Oakland Raiders (2-10, No. 29)
The Raiders managed to stay within striking distance of the Chiefs and if we're being honest, it's the best hope yet that they didn't make a disastrous, $100 million mistake.
31. New York Jets (3-9, No. 30)
I mean, they might have lost but they DID snap a 19-game streak of not scoring on their opening drive. So you win none, you lose some, right?
32. San Francisco 49ers (2-10, No. 31)
The Niners without quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo this season have been about as useful as Tumblr without porn.
(Or so I hear, y'know?)