1. New Orleans Saints (12-2 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
did something this week
they haven't done since it was Puff Daddy who was on the charts trying to be Led Zeppelin, not Greta Van Fleet.
2. Los Angeles Chargers (11-3, No. 4)
And it appears as though some of you may owe Stephen A. Smith an apology. He was just so on top of the story he had it
a little TOO early
3. Kansas City Chiefs (11-3, No. 1)
I think the Chiefs are going to be OK. Right now I'd still rather be a Chiefs fan than a Chief of Staff candidate, anyway.
4. Chicago Bears (10-4, No. 5)
This has to be such a relief for fans in the Windy City, who no longer have to realize that the last time anyone in the city got a North title was when an insane rapper and his wife gave their daughter a fittingly insane name.
5. Houston Texans (10-4, No. 6)
The Texans have been rolling and all, but now they have to go to Philly, where Houston teams have had about as much luck throughout the years as non-greased light poles.
6. Los Angeles Rams (11-3, No. 3)
7. Indianapolis Colts (8-6, No. 10)
The Colts have a real chance of becoming just the second team since 2002 to make the playoffs since starting 1-5. So they're basically the "The Avengers" of football. (Admit it, the opening scene with Loki was weird as hell. But the movie was so good that you've forgotten that.)
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-5-1, No. 11)
You knew that was happening. The Steelers weren't losing four games in a row and they sure as hell weren't losing to help the Ravens. If you're surprised by them winning Sunday, you're going to be stunned to learn that apparently doing
all of the drugs in the world
might not be ideal for your health.
9. New England Patriots (9-5, No. 7)
And counting out the Patriots now would make about as much sense as assuming that anyone who would consider eating mass amounts of cookie dough would be all that concerned about
10. Baltimore Ravens (8-6, No. 12)
The Ravens are doing something that no one has done
since a time
when we believed white guys were capable of playing funky music.
11. Dallas Cowboys (8-6, No. 8)
So, the "band" Maroon 5, it turns out someone COULD have a worse week than you!
12. Seattle Seahawks (8-6, No. 9)
Seahawks kicker Sebastian Janikowski is
trying about as hard
as the rest of us at work the week before the holiday.
13. Tennessee Titans (8-6, No. 13)
So if Derrick Henry played in the Ravens' offense right now it would seem like he'd have something around 349,123 yards since Thanksgiving, no?
14. Minnesota Vikings (7-6-1, No. 14)
And if you wanted to know where to put all of the money you have on a Super Bowl bet,
here you go
15. Philadelphia Eagles (7-7, No. 18)
16. Cleveland Browns (6-7-1, No. 17)
17. Miami Dolphins (7-7, No. 15)
Dolphins running back Frank Gore will miss the final two weeks of the season, which is remarkable when you consider he apparently didn't retire three years ago.
18. Denver Broncos (6-8, No. 16)
Glenn Clark getting Miss Jewish Maryland's phone number after the Busta Rhymes show at UMBC's Quadmania in 2001 but then getting too drunk on jungle juice to be able to ... exist … thinks the Broncos have really blown it.
(Yeah. All of it.)
19. Washington Redskins (7-7, No. 25)
Josh Johnson is a quarterback who won a football game in 2018. That's a sentence that makes about as much sense as Dennis Rodman buying Post Malone an Olive Garden gift card for Christmas, and for some reason that's a headline for a news story on the internet.
20. Carolina Panthers (6-8, No. 19)
21. Green Bay Packers (5-8-1, No. 20)
I pity the fool
who came THAT close to getting the backdoor cover late in the Packers-Bears game but didn't know Chicago had B.A. Baracus on their side.
22. Cincinnati Bengals (6-8, No. 24)
If your life was on the line and you were asked, "What did the Cincinnati Bengals do in their football game this week and who did they play against," what would you request for your final meal?
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-9, No. 21)
24. Atlanta Falcons (5-9, No. 27)
It's that thing where you want to make a joke about the
, but actually, holy hell I can't believe there are that many people that would pay American dollars to go to a Cardinals-Falcons game.
25. Detroit Lions (5-9, No. 22)
The Lions were eliminated from the playoffs, which is nice because it frees up folks in Detroit to spend their January … probably drinking even more irresponsibly.
26. New York Giants (5-9, No. 23)
Lots of folks believe Joe Flacco could end up being the Giants' quarterback next season, but I'm just not sure New York is the place for him. I mean … they have a wide receiver. Like, who can catch. What would he know to do with that?
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-10, No. 30)
28. Buffalo Bills (5-9, No. 31)
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-10, No. 26)
Jacksonville could also be a landing spot for Joe Flacco, which makes more sense when you consider the no wide receivers and the defense that is good but tends to let you down in the biggest spots and all.
30. New York Jets (4-10, No. 29)
But quarterback Sam Darnold does still look pretty good despite the Jets' woes. It's sort of like how U2's album "Pop" was terrible but "Please" is amazing.
31. Oakland Raiders (3-11, No. 28)
Perhaps the results of the games don't matter quite as much when SERIOUSLY GUYS WHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT HOW THERE'S AN NFL TEAM THAT DOESN'T HAVE A FREAKING HOME STADIUM NEXT SEASON THAT DOESN'T SEEM GOOD.
32. Arizona Cardinals (3-11, No. 32)