Here are my Week 17 NFL Power Rankings:
1. New Orleans Saints (13-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Since a lot of you will be spending the next few days returning some rather unpleasant or undesirable "gifts," I'll use my power rankings this week to suggest something each team might now want to "return" after Christmas.
For example, the Saints might want to "return" that Marcus Davenport trade from the draft. As it turns out, they didn't really need him badly enough to give up their first-round pick next year. Had they stayed where they were they could have taken a quarterback of the future (Lamar Jackson) or the potential Defensive Rookie of the Year (linebacker Darius Leonard). Otherwise there's not much to return.
2. Chicago Bears (11-4, No. 4)
Clearly, the Bears would like to return that Week 1 loss to the Packers. As crushing as it felt, it actually seemed like sort of a moral victory for the Bears to a lot of us, as just playing that well against Aaron Rodgers and company was a sign of things to come. As it turns out, it was a terrible loss that could cost them a first-round bye.
3. Los Angeles Rams (12-3, No. 6)
There's obviously not much the Rams would want to return, either. Maybe the year they wasted having quarterback Jared Goff work with Jeff Fisher before they hired Sean McVay? They probably couldn't even get store credit for it, but I'm sure they'd like to give it back.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (11-4, No. 3)
The Chiefs would presumably like to return their complete unwillingness to do whatever it took to track down security footage from that Cleveland hotel. It might have helped them to have Kareem Hunt for those games at the start of the season, but they needed to have better options at running back for the totality of the year.
(Oh, and also, it would've been nice for them to prioritize "doing the right thing" rather than "protecting their football player." Yeah. That too.)
5. Los Angeles Chargers (11-4, No. 2)
I mean, if they could return the decision to have quarterback Philip Rivers air it out on the first play against the Ravens, they probably would. But more than that, how about the entire move from San Diego? They should probably return that.
6. Indianapolis Colts (9-6, No. 7)
I would think they'd REALLY like to return that pesky 1-5 start. If they had only gone 2-2-1 during that stretch (remember, they gave away what would have been a tie with the Texans and somehow lost to the JETS), they'd be playing Dec. 30 to lock up the AFC South title and a first-round bye. Instead, they still need a win just to get into the playoffs at all.
7. New England Patriots (10-5, No. 9)
Sadly, they'd probably like to return the time during the bye week when receiver Josh Gordon got away from the security plan they had for him. No one in the rest of the league will cry for the Patriots, but the whole situation is just plain sad.
8. Baltimore Ravens (9-6, No. 10)
It would be easy to say "they'd like to return all of the games where Lamar Jackson wasn't their starting quarterback," but I would suggest that perhaps the selection of tight end Hayden Hurst in the first round -- particularly considering how well third-round pick Mark Andrews has played -- would be the one they'd be racing to the customer service counter for this week.
9. Houston Texans (10-5, No. 5)
If they could return anything, I'm going to guess they'd like to start with "somehow losing a home game to the Giants this season." Yeesh. It remains difficult to fully buy into them.
10. Dallas Cowboys (9-6, No. 11)
The answer is easy for the Cowboys. They'd probably like to return all of the time they wasted BEFORE they dealt a first-round pick for receiver Amari Cooper, which clearly proved to be one of the (stunningly) smartest moves in recent NFL history.
11. Seattle Seahawks (9-6, No. 12)
The Seahawks should probably want to return all of the pictures of them wearing "Action Green" that can be found on the internet. I don't think they wore them this season, but they still exist and they're far more embarrassing than any gift Aunt Clara ever got for Ralphie.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-6-1, No. 8)
Honestly? They might want to return their decision to not pay running back Le'Veon Bell. Look, the Steelers have been pretty good without him and have had their chances to win anyway. But this is still a team that willingly divorced themselves from one of the best players in football. They kinda deserve this.
13. Tennessee Titans (9-6, No. 13)
If Marcus Mariota misses another game, the Titans might want to return their Blaine Gabbert for a backup quarterback who could have given any of us a belief that they could beat the Colts in a season-defining game.
14. Minnesota Vikings (8-6-1, No. 14)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (8-7, No. 15)
They might want to return all of the plays in their playbook that aren't run for tight end Zach Ertz. Seriously -- holy eff, how good is that dude?
16. Cleveland Browns (7-7-1, No. 16)
Cleveland would definitely like to return all of the time they wasted before firing coaches Hue Jackson and Todd Haley.
17. Green Bay Packers (6-8-1, No. 21)
Ditto, but replace with "Mike McCarthy?"
18. Miami Dolphins (7-8, No. 17)
They'd probably like to return the entirety of their quarterback situation.
19. Denver Broncos (6-9, No. 18)
I'm thinking they're probably going to want to return their Vance Joseph.
20. Washington Redskins (7-8, No. 19)
Redskins fans would definitely like to return … literally every decision their favorite franchise has made for the last two and a half decades.
21. Atlanta Falcons (6-9, No. 24)
The Falcons should probably try to return everything that has occurred since halftime of Super Bowl LI.
22. Carolina Panthers (6-9, No. 20)
Yeah, they'd like to return the entirety of the past two months if that's an option.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10, No. 29)
They should certainly attempt to return not only their quarterbacks but anyone who had any sort of hand in the decisions they've made about the position as well.
24. Cincinnati Bengals (6-9, No. 22)
Perhaps it's time they start thinking about returning their unwavering loyalty.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-10, No. 23)
Seemingly the Bucs need to return their coach and quarterback in one fell swoop despite having some moments that have suggested otherwise.
26. New York Giants (5-10, No. 26)
The Giants absolutely need to return anyone in their organization who says something along the lines of, "Do we really need to move on from Eli Manning? He's actually played pretty well as the season went along."
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-11, No. 27)
While someone might suggest they should return their Garoppolo because their Shanahan has proven that he can make a Mullens run almost as well, I disagree. Wholeheartedly. Instead they need to return all of their other offensive skill position players and try again.
28. Detroit Lions (5-10, No. 25)
"Excuse me, miss, are we allowed to return the overwhelming majority of the history of our franchise? We don't have all of the receipts."
29. Buffalo Bills (5-10, No. 28)
They already wisely returned their Nathan Peterman, but they should probably return anyone they employed who ever thought they should have bought the Peterman in the first place.
30. Oakland Raiders (4-11, No. 31)
And they should return anyone who signed off on acquiring the Peterman, particularly anyone whose contract is laughably set to pay him nine figures.
31. New York Jets (4-11, No. 30)
Like the many of us whose otherwise well-intentioned mothers bought us strange ceramics, they'll need to return their Bowles.
32. Arizona Cardinals (3-12, No. 32)