Sure, when YOU see
you think, "OK, but that was in an even meaningless-er fourth meaningless preseason game against guys whose next job will be on an XFL practice squad." But when I see it I think, "No, the seventh round isn't too early to draft Demaryius Thomas, who is absolutely going to be fixed in New England."
2. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 1)
How old is Drew Brees? I recently found out he's actually six months older than the Walkman (which was introduced by Sony in July 1979, apparently). And for the PressBox interns who have to read over these in the editing process, the Walkman was ... you know what, I don't think you'll ever understand.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3, No. 4)
LeSean McCoy was set to be a completely irrelevant footnote to the 2019 season until he was reunited with Andy Reid. Now he gets to be a part of the most dynamic offense in the game and enjoy enough cheeseburgers to feed a not-that-small army if he so desires. Pretty decent come up.
4. Los Angeles Rams (2-2, No. 3)
You: I'm not sure Carli Lloyd would really be ready to kick in a preseason game so quickly.
The Rams: We'd probably let her play quarterback if it could keep another real football player off the field.
5. Houston Texans (1-3, No. 7)
It's a bummer to lose Jadeveon Clowney, but I'm actually a fan of the Texans' "all in" approach. They're giving away first-round picks for semi-decent players. Maybe it works, maybe it's a disaster. But we just spent a few seconds discussing something other than chicken sandwiches, so I'd say that's a win, no?
6. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3, No. 6)
Just a quick update on journalism in 2019:
I'm not casting aspersions. If it had been the Ravens, we would have been doing it, too.
7. Los Angeles Chargers (1-3, No. 5)
Speaking of which, Gordon's unknown status dropped them a few spots in the rankings. I'd be worried about Los Angeles Chargers fans being mad, but, you know, no such thing.
(I promise if the Chargers ever make any fans in LA, I'll come up with new shtick.)
8. Chicago Bears (1-3, No. 9)
This is honestly still amazing a year later.
9. Cleveland Browns (3-1, No. 12)
I've been talking myself more and more into the idea of, "Who cares if it's the Browns, this much talent on one roster will pan out no matter what." I'm probably an idiot, but, I'm also probably an idiot.
10. Green Bay Packers (2-2, No. 10)
Former Maryland safety Darnell Savage Jr. has changed his uniform number to 21, meaning his uniform now says "21 Savage" on the back. The young people in the office here at PressBox tell me they like that "a lot."
11. Seattle Seahawks (3-1, No. 17)
Yes, I moved them up six spots on the strength of just one move. Why, you ask?
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1, No. 11)
Sure, leadership has been an issue for the Steelers in the past, but that's all behind them now that they've elected new captains like
. Problem solved.
13. Baltimore Ravens (4-0, No. 15)
I think it would be a mistake to say, "It doesn't mean much that the Ravens have won 17 straight preseason games." Instead, I would probably say something like, "It means absolutely nothing -- pure zero, true bupkis -- that the Ravens have won 17 consecutive preseason games." Also, please remind me to use "bupkis" more frequently. It's an incredible term.
14. Minnesota Vikings (3-1, No. 13)
Congratulations to the Vikings on moving on from Laquon Treadwell and instead signing Josh Doctson. That's like the wide receiver equivalent of your elementary school cafeteria announcing they had cancelled "tuna helper casserole" day in favor of "sardine sandwiches."
Oh and also, more like "Kaare Waste-pick," emmirite?
15. Atlanta Falcons (1-4, No. 14)
How painfully boring are the Falcons going into this season? We can talk about them or you can look at
I took of 500 smoked turkey legs at the fair the other night because, no joke, it's a serious upgrade over talking about the Falcons.
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-2, No. 16)
And if I'm to understand the recent reporting from NFL insiders, Ezekiel Elliott is set to sign ... now ... he's about to sign ..... right ........ no ........ now .......... he's thinking about signing right ...... he's working toward signing right .....
17. Tennessee Titans (2-2, No. 18)
Apparently after being traded to the Browns, former Titans receiver Taywan Taylor is telling his new team everything he can about their Week 1 opponent. I was actually able to listen in on the conversation.
"Yeah, so they're not really all that good, but they're not necessarily bad, either. The quarterback is like ... I dunno ... OK. And the running back is decent. I mean, they're probably a team you'd have about right in the middle of your power rankings."
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4, No. 19)
This is kinda interesting.
Based on my rankings, if I had to bet on one of these it would be Jacksonville. Also I hope I don't have to do that because, believe it or not, "internet power ranker" doesn't pay well enough to suffer such obvious economic losses.
19. San Francisco 49ers (3-1, No. 20)
I was unable to find anything particularly interesting about the 49ers to comment on, but I DID find these
"Reaper Ranch" tortilla chips
, and I would like to talk about those with you if you'd be willing to stop by the house later or something.
20. Carolina Panthers (2-2, No. 21)
I'm bummed the Panthers let Torrey Smith go. Now he's going to be forced to fall back on being smart, successful, a good person, a two-time Super Bowl champion and the inevitability that he'll probably end up signing with someone else before these rankings ever make the internet.
21. Indianapolis Colts (1-3, No. 8)
I decided to drop the Colts 13 spots because of Andrew Luck's retirement. If I were ranking them, I'd drop their fans 13,000 spots because of the same.
22. Denver Broncos (2-3, No. 22)
ESPN did a thing where it simulated every game of the NFL season, and the
internet pointed out why
maybe that exercise isn't quite as valuable as it had hoped it would be.
23. Oakland Raiders (3-1, No. 23)
Just to recap, Antonio Brown and Ben Roethlisberger were never actually friends, except for that time when
they definitely were
and you guys, maybe he really does need a new helmet.
24. New York Jets (2-2, No. 26)
I'm starting to talk myself into the idea that maybe Sam Darnold might be ready to be a dude this season and you know what, maybe I need a new helmet, too.
25. Detroit Lions (0-4, No. 24)
Dear Detroit: I don't hate you. In fact, I've been the single biggest fan of your baseball team for the last two months. Now I understand what it feels like to be a Lions fan, I guess.
26. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3, No. 25)
Here's something neat about the Bengals: Former "Last Chance U" East Mississippi Community College player Damion Willis is not only on their roster, he's expected to play a role. That's the end of the neat things I can share with you about the Bengals.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1, No. 29)
Another weird thing I've been talking myself into recently: Bruce Arians might be capable of fixing Jameis Winston and making the Buccaneers interesting. I mean, I'm not going to give you your money back if he doesn't. It's just a thought runnin' around in the ol' noggin.
28. Washington Redskins (1-3, No. 27)
A team with no hope of doing anything is going with Case Keenum under center instead of their first-round pick because ... eh, no one really cares enough to really be bothered by it.
29. New York Giants (4-0, No. 28)
I cannot promise that I can come up with something interesting to say about the Giants for every week until they inevitably turn to Daniel Jones. I can't even promise to try, honestly.
30. Arizona Cardinals (1-3, No. 31)
They're the only one of the three teams that selected a quarterback in the first round of the NFL Draft that is actually starting said first-round pick. That's right, the most logical of those NFL teams is the one that hired a failed Texas Tech coach.
31. Buffalo Bills (4-0, No. 30)
OK, so I'm more interested in Bill Hader (who is in "IT Chapter Two" coming out this week) than the Buffalo Bills. For some reason, the internet has been sharing this
weird "deep fake" video
about him and David Letterman. It's creepy but also the story is really great and that's all I've got for you here.
32. Miami Dolphins (3-1, No. 32)
I think it's pretty clear that the most exciting moment of the season in Miami will be ...
of Pat Riley and Dwyane Wade that is absolutely better served without context.