Remember the kid Tony from your high school? The one who was dating seniors when he was just a SOPHOMORE? The one that took Joanna to prom? The one that was really good at soccer but not so into soccer that he was insufferable about it? Remember how you knew he already had a scholarship to LaSalle but then the day of the senior award assembly the school announced he was also getting the senior class's $4,000 scholarship they offered with the money left over because for some reason they charged $120 for prom tickets and all you got was a crappy piece of rubber chicken and you had to buy two because you were dating a girl named Katie from another school and you're pretty sure she was really just into Tony?
The Patriots are Tony. Antonio Brown is the scholarship. And eventually Katie too. Why do you think I need therapy?
2. New Orleans Saints (1-0, No. 2)
Their win against the Houston Texans was more fun than that time you ended up toilet papering Tony's mom's car. And then Katie's, too, because you realized it was there. And then you told your weird friends that went with you to do it that you weren't even mad because "dude, she was honestly crazy. Like straight up insane. I couldn't even deal with it."
I'm doing just fine now, thanks for asking.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0, No. 3)
Perhaps maybe Patrick Mahomes doesn't ALWAYS need to go to the no-look pass, like specifically when he has tight ends wide open in the end zone. Also, I'm a fan of this tweet.
4. Los Angeles Rams (1-0, No. 4)
The Rams gave Jared Goff $134 million, or $134 million for every particularly interesting thing he's done in his career so far.
(I'm giving him the Chiefs game last year.)
5. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0, No. 6)
Some people think Philadelphia fans are insane, but a lot of fans get into
actual fist fights
with guys who play for their NBA team at tailgate parties. Story as old as time.
6. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0, No. 7)
Melvin Gordon is
in that "Summertime Lover" AT&T commercial who's trying to get excited for his guy (Austin Ekeler) but can't because he knows it's not helping his value at all. And also because like the rest of us, he sings along to "Summertime Lover" every time he hears it.
7. Houston Texans (0-1, No. 5)
The Texans are like the dad from the "Summertime Lover" commercial because they thought they had won a football game with an amazing drive only to remember they gave Drew Brees 30 seconds to go win and you guys, seriously, I'd pay an extraordinary amount of money for "Summertime Lover" on vinyl.
8. Green Bay Packers (1-0, No. 10)
People tell me they believe there's a God but how can that be true when we had to wait a whole year for football only to get a 10-3 game and we were teased with
Peanut Butter pickle Twinkies
but they're NOT ACTUALLY AVAILABLE YET.
9. Seattle Seahawks (1-0, No. 11)
With all due respect to the many other pressing football topics, why have we talked about anything other than DK Metcalf playing with
10. Baltimore Ravens (1-0, No. 13)
Are they going to score 59 points every game when they have to play teams that aren't the Dolphins? I mean, probably. But are they going to win the Super Bowl, also? Obviously.
11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0, No. 14)
Imagine hating the Packers so much that you would deny yourself the single greatest product in the history of humanity. Gotta hand it to Vikings "superfan"
12. Tennessee Titans (1-0, No. 17)
Trying to figure out what to make of the Titans' thrashing of the Browns is as difficult as watching the
and trying to figure out if that's that girl from "The Avengers" or Amanda Peet?
13. Dallas Cowboys (1-0, No. 16)
I know I should probably say something about getting Ezekiel Elliott back or Dak Prescott looking like Roger Staubach but you guys,
definitely the best idea in the history of ideas, right? They're clearly going to be a playoff disappointment as always, but this is so dope.
14. Chicago Bears (0-1, No. 8)
(Insert Eddie Murphy pointing at your brain meme) "Not having a kicker can't hurt you if you never have a kick that matters."
15. Cleveland Browns (0-1, No. 9)
I mean, that was so painful and humiliating it could only possibly be described as "the most recent Cleveland Browns football game."
16. San Francisco 49ers (1-0, No. 19)
I keep thinking to myself, "I wish I could grow a beard."
I also keep thinking to myself, "Man, maybe the 49ers with their defensive additions and a healthy Jimmy Garoppolo might be better than we all realized they were."
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1, No. 12)
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHSHASHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHSHSFIEJGRGHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH sorry, my 4-year-old wanted to laugh at the Steelers for a second with me there.
18. Atlanta Falcons (0-1, No. 15)
Look, I'm into my late 30s now. I know a thing or two about long hangovers. If I spend Friday night drinking some whiskey, I MIGHT be a human again by Monday.
19. Oakland Raiders (1-0, No. 23)
Thoughts and prayers to the victims of Antonio Brown's horrific "posting a picture and video on Instagram" spree from the last week. Oh and also, this is good content.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1, No. 18)
I'm thinking there's a chance I might have to become a Jaguars fan though, you guys.
21. Carolina Panthers (0-1, No. 20)
Sure, they lost, but the fake Christian McCaffrey to Cam Newton handoff was pretty sweet and we got like a
out of the day so do we really call it a "loss?"
22. Indianapolis Colts (0-1, No. 21)
I know Jacoby Brissett isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be. I just feel like the Colts are shaping up to be good enough to lose a lot of close games this season.
23. Buffalo Bills (1-0, No. 31)
They showed a lot of moxie in their comeback win against the Jets. Man, I wanna be a guy who shows a lot of moxie. That sounds great.
24. Denver Broncos (0-1, No. 22)
Joe Flacco was decent and had a receiver commit one of the worst drops in football history in the end zone and a coach make terrible decisions so yeah, it was all Joe Flacco's fault and he's terrible.
25. Detroit Lions (0-0-1, No. 25)
They say a tie is like kissing your sister. But don't we all agree that we'd rather kiss no one than kiss our sister? Like is there someone out there who actually says, "Nah, kissing my sister is just fine." Like, I love my sister and all, but if you're telling me that tonight I can either kiss my sister or not kiss anyone, I'm cool with no kisses. I don't think the sister kiss is really preferable.
26. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1, No. 26)
Yeah, they lost, but they were far more competitive than anyone expected and John Ross is a thing and other than having to go back to Cincinnati afterward I guess it wasn't all that bad.
27. New York Jets (0-1, No. 24)
The Browns think the Jets' result was predictable.
28. Arizona Cardinals (0-0-1, No. 30)
But what I'm saying is maybe instead of saying "a tie is like kissing your sister," we go with something like "a tie is like kissing a rather unattractive person late at the bar." We could have a nuanced conversation during which we suggest it's technically better to kiss an unattractive person than to not kiss anyone at all. That would make a tie better than a loss.
I understand that "like kissing your sister" is just supposed to reflect your general ambivalence to the activity, but a tie is supposed to be BETTER than a loss. We need to come up with an idiom that better reflects this. You probably think I should move on but you guys, I'm doing the Lord's work here.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1, No. 27)
Remember last week when we all were thinking, "Maybe Bruce Arians is such a good coach he could totally fix Jameis Winston and make the Bucs really good really quickly?" Well after one week, I think we can definitively say ... nothing. It's one week, jerks.
30. Washington Redskins (0-1, No. 28)
Maybe every American city should set up like a support shelter for Browns and Jets and Redskins fans who convince themselves something is going to be different every year.
31. New York Giants (0-1, No. 29)
But Saquon is still cool.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-1, No. 32)
The Dolphins are the living incarnation of the "IGHT IMMA JUST LEAVE" meme.