Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
2. San Francisco 49ers (4-0, No. 3)
I'm guessing Nick Bosa's favorite musician might have been Tom Petty.
3. New Orleans Saints (4-1, No. 4)
When Drew Brees got hurt, we wondered if the Saints could stay afloat. Instead, they've got their flippy floppies, nautical-themed pashmina afghans and are hanging with T-Pain participating in extra-curricular activities with mermaids.
4. Seattle Seahawks (4-1, No. 6)
5. Kansas City Chiefs (4-1, No. 1)
Will the Chiefs be OK? Of course. Would it be smart for them to have an actual offensive line in front of Patrick Mahomes? Yeah, probably. And if they can't find the right guys, perhaps a few
Chinese Polar Bear-sized pigs
could do the trick instead.
6. Green Bay Packers (4-1, No. 8)
(*It was my understanding there would be no math.)
7. Los Angeles Rams (3-2, No. 5)
Cheer up, the Rams. Yeah, you've lost a couple of games, but you still have a ton of talent, a smart and good looking coach and also the internet is full of
videos about bacon-wrapped brie
8. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2, No. 9)
The Eagles finished with TEN SACKS in their win against the Jets. When reached for comment, the 2019 Ravens defense said "10 sacks for a defense, huh? Wow, what a year."
9. Houston Texans (3-2, No. 11)
Deshaun Watson finished with 473 yards and five touchdowns in the Texans' win against the Falcons, good for infinity times a billion fantasy points.
10. Dallas Cowboys (3-2, No. 7)
The upstanding Gemstone church family thinks the Cowboys' 3-0 start might have been a bit fraudulent.
11. Detroit Lions (2-1-1, No. 12)
Far more popular during lent, but apparently if you spent bye week in Detroit you might have been able to stop by a church or VFW hall for a scrumptious ...
. Suddenly Kid Rock makes significantly more sense to me.
12. Baltimore Ravens (3-2, No. 15)
13. Buffalo Bills (4-1, No. 16)
Bills fans are handling success rather predictably.
14. Indianapolis Colts (3-2, No. 25)
I honestly think that I would have been more likely to bet on a new Andre 3000 record coming out this weekend than the Colts beating the Chiefs. That was ... noteworthy.
15. Carolina Panthers (3-2, No. 20)
EXCLUSIVE! I was able to track down a copy of the Panthers' entire playbook this week. I don't get these types of exclusives every day, so I wanted to share it with you.
PANTHERS OFFENSIVE PLAYBOOK:
- Give McCaffrey the ball
- No other plays
16. Minnesota Vikings (3-2, No. 18)
Apparently Donald Trump called not good football quarterback Kirk Cousins to congratulate him after their win, which is roughly as surprising as the
who was somehow shot in the thigh by a dog in a pickup truck.
17. Chicago Bears (3-2, No. 10)
The good news is that they'll get Mitchell Trubisky back. The bad news is that I already wasted this joke in last week's power rankings.
18. Cleveland Browns (2-3, No. 13)
More like "Baker MayFAIL, emmirite?"
19. Los Angeles Chargers (2-3, No. 14)
I'm starting to think you could maybe make an argument that playing three consecutive seasons without a real home game might actually be hurtful to a team.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3, No. 17)
I would be more alarmed by Jalen Ramsey
hanging out with
the quarterback who was celebrating having just torched his team except that, you guys, the Patriots are probably going to win the next 50 Super Bowls so does ANY of this matter?
21. Oakland Raiders (3-2, No. 22)
Just fulfilling to finally see something go well for the good guys in the sport, y'know?
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3, No. 21)
Need to personally thank the Bucs for managing to get Mike Evans exactly as many catches as I had Sunday. Big help.
23. Tennessee Titans (2-3, No. 19)
Cairo Santos missed four field goals in their loss to the Bills and those words don't make much sense to me, a supporter of the Baltimore Ravens.
24. New York Giants (2-3, No. 23)
There are rumors that Saquon Barkley could return in time for this Thursday night's game, which has to give them a much better chance against (
) nope they gonna lose.
25. Denver Broncos (1-4, No. 27)
Since Mason Rudolph avoided serious injury, my lifelong dream that I've had for almost 40 hours of there being serious "Joe Flacco to the Steelers" trade rumors will go unfulfilled. Next on my list, "Jimmy Eat World invites me to play keyboard during the bridge to 'Sweetness.'" That or "I'm about to get to play keyboard with Jimmy Eat World but for some reason I trip and fall walking to the stage and also I'm naked."
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4, No. 24)
But for this week's game against the Chargers, they'll probably have to start Damon Helicopters or Donovan Hamburgers or Declan Handkerchiefs or whatever the hell the guy's name is that no one will remember by Easter, and yes, I'm quite aware that he is far more accomplished and better looking than I.
27. Arizona Cardinals (1-3-1, No. 28)
Remember when that girl Jenny was into you in high school and you were like, "Yeah, she's cool I guess, but I've been pining after Julie for the last eight months and I'm pretty sure she's gonna recognize that I want to be more than just friends because the last time Charlie dumped her she totally said she loved me when we spent an hour on the phone that night, and it doesn't matter that she probably meant she loved me like a brother, I think she's feeling me," but then suddenly you saw Jenny talking to Mike Z and you were like, "What the hell, Mike Z is a friggin' weirdo who plays clarinet in the marching band, what the hell is this all about? And so you suddenly find yourself oddly competing for Jenny despite the fact that you were never really all that into her and you ended up dating her for the rest of the summer and pretended like you were over Julie and it didn't bother you that she went to see that Julia Stiles movie with your buddy Fred when in all honesty you actually cried that night and talked to your mom about it, but yeah, for some reason Jenny was still feeling you and at least you beat out Mike Z?
That's sorta what I imagine it's like for the Cardinals to narrowly win a football game against the Bengals. Also, yeah, everything is cool, why do you ask?
28. Atlanta Falcons (1-4, No. 26)
Just think about how much worse it would feel to be a Falcons fan if, say for example, before this incredible fall they had led a Super Bowl by four scores in the second half and blew it.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5, No. 29)
Being a Bengals fan is ... sorta like if somehow
came to life.
30. New York Jets (0-4, No. 30)
As obviously I have nothing to say about the Jets, instead I will use this space of internet to politely ask that if you come across
Roasted Turkey Pringles
, you notify me.
31. Washington Redskins (0-5, No. 31)
The new owners of
Sports Illustrated think Dan Snyder and Bruce Allen are doing fine, just fine.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-4, No. 32)
If you had spent your bye week in Miami, you could have enjoyed some VEAL BRAINS with brown butter and crab meat at
(at least until it closed). I REFUSE to eat veal brains without a little cinnamon, myself.