Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
They're already the best team in football and they haven't even gotten A.J. Green back from his Bengals suspension yet.
2. San Francisco 49ers (5-0, No. 2)
Any more questions?
I mean, besides "do they really think I'm supposed to believe Danny McBride's character in 'Righteous Gemstones' is a protagonist just because of how the season ended?" And "wait it costs $135 just to renew your car registration???"
3. New Orleans Saints (5-1, No. 3)
As it turns out, going 4-0 without your Hall of Fame quarterback is actually a Brees.
4. Seattle Seahawks (5-1, No. 4)
Current NFL MVP Power Rankings:
5.) Christian McCaffrey
4.) Deshaun Watson
3.) Patrick Mahomes
2.) Any gunner on a punt team that doesn't IMMEDIATELY down the ball so that he can say he was the one that did it and instead lets it roll another few feet for better field position
1.) Russell Wilson
5. Green Bay Packers (4-2, No. 6)
But in all honesty, the officials weren't the most embarrassing thing at Lambeau Field this week.
6. Houston Texans (4-2, No. 9)
On top of everything else, the Texans now have an offensive line, too, having not allowed a sack in their last two games. The Ravens play the Texans in a couple of weeks and ... should maybe just go with eight defensive backs?
7. Kansas City Chiefs (4-2, No. 5)
I had a chance to look at some film this week and here's a thorough assessment/breakdown of the Chiefs' defense.
It is doodoo.
8. Baltimore Ravens (4-2, No. 12)
There is a tragedy unfolding in our city that is impacting one of our most marginalized groups: the naked Americans.
9. Los Angeles Rams (3-3, No. 7)
"More like 'Jared Off (The Mark),' emmirite?" send tweet.
10. Carolina Panthers (4-2, No. 15)
They've got a very difficult decision to make obviously.
Do they use #GoTheExtraKyle or #AllInWithAllen as their hashtag for the rest of the season?
11. Minnesota Vikings (4-2, No. 16)
Live look at me when the Vikings finally remembered Stefon Diggs was alive.
12. Buffalo Bills (4-1, No. 13)
If you spent your bye week in Western New York, you could stop by Nick Tahou Hots for a "
." What is it? Almost exactly as it reads: a combination of fries, macaroni salad, baked beans, meat, meat sauce, spicy mustard, chopped onions, hot sauce, Italian bread and butter and a rather sizable side portion of shame.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3, No. 8)
Meanwhile here's this footage of the Eagles' pass defense I managed to find ...
14. Indianapolis Colts (3-2, No. 14)
And if you spent your bye week in Indiana, you could stop by
Hilltop Inn in Evansville
for a delicious "Jumbo Brain" sandwich-fried pork brains ... but on a bun with pickles and onions! But they don't just serve brain sandwiches at Hilltop Inn. For the low price of 3 for $10, you can also get pork brain sliders!
15. Detroit Lions (2-2-1, No. 11)
When you're a franchise that has had as much good fortune as the Lions, you kinda have to live with the idea that ONE TIME something might not go your way, y'know?
16. Dallas Cowboys (3-3, No. 10)
Jason Garrett is me in ninth grade gym when Coach Martin split the class up for soccer and I knew I was the worst player on the team so I wanted to be super good and encouraging the other guys so that they'd think I was helpful and maybe invite me to a party so I didn't have to spend another Friday night convincing my mom that "Step By Step" was fine for me to watch and didn't have too many "adult themes" and oh right, this was about Jason Garrett ...
17. Chicago Bears (3-2, No. 17)
Spending bye week in Chicago could have lad you to Alinea, where apparently they're trying to live out the dinner scene with Keanu Reeves from "Always Be My Maybe." Still no cure for cancer but we DO have dehydrated green apple
edible helium balloons
18. Oakland Raiders (3-2, No. 21)
A bye week in the Bay Area wouldn't be complete without a trip to Mateo's Cocina Latina for some ...
. No week really is, honestly.
19. Cleveland Browns (2-4, No. 18)
I mean, sure, they lost another game, but at least their opponent didn't use the greatest touchdown celebration in history to wave goodbye to all of the hype that surrounded them preseason oh wait ...
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4, No. 20)
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4, No. 26)
Stop me if you've heard this before. They call Devlin Hodges "Duck" because ... they've seen him throw a football downfield.
22. Denver Broncos (2-4, No. 25)
Seven sacks and three interceptions for the Broncos' defense this weekend. You might say that the only folks who did more when it came to being defensive were literally the entire NBA.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4, No. 22)
The Bucs turned the ball over SEVEN TIMES in their loss to the Panthers this weekend. You might say that the only folks who dropped the ball more were literally the entire NBA.
24. New York Giants (2-4, No. 24)
Far more importantly, later this week the American classic "Little Giants" turns 25 years old and people forget it provided us the single greatest "
" in sports history.
25. New York Jets (1-4, No. 30)
All of that AND Sam Darnold kissed someone!
26. Arizona Cardinals (2-3-1, No. 27)
What a time to be alive in Phoenix. Kyler Murray looks great, the Cards have won back-to-back games and you just invented a
Flamin' Hot Cheetos Pickle
, rendering all other foodstuff unnecessary for the rest of time.
27. Los Angeles Chargers (2-4, No. 19)
SPIN ZONE: it's not like you have any fans to be angry about you losing to the worst quarterback in the history of football.
28. Tennessee Titans (2-4, No. 23)
Imagine breaking the "In Case Of Emergency Break Glass" glass only to find Ryan Tannehill there.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-5, No. 28)
It makes sense that the Falcons are this bad when you consider t
heir first year head coach
their inexperienced quarterback
their roster is depleted by injuries
they're the Falcons.
30. Washington Redskins (1-5, No. 31)
It's like finding out you were named the prettiest girl at fat camp but only because the other girls were all busy scheming how they were going to prank your bunk because they didn't care about winning.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6, No. 29)
If someone from the Ravens was involved with this, there is no raise big enough to give them.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-5, No. 32)
There's always ... two years from now?