The schedule gets much tougher from here. I've heard some of the players they face coming up even have mostly functioning spleens.
2. San Francisco 49ers (6-0, No. 2)
By shutting out the Redskins on the road, the 49ers defense made a remarkable statement that they ... could do the bare minimum that should be expected of them.
3. New Orleans Saints (6-1, No. 3)
I've been trying to come up with a real life comparison for "literally losing Drew Brees and somehow then going 5-0" and the best I've come up with is "getting drunk and accidentally blurting out to your wife that you've always wanted to hook up with her friend Michelle only to have her say 'good, me too, and I know she's down.'"
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make sure my wife has no friends named Michelle on her Facebook page.
4. Green Bay Packers (6-1, No. 5)
Apparently Aaron Rodgers had a "perfect" day against the Raiders. But, like, he was good, but he wasn't "
wear all of your clothes
at once to avoid paying for overweight luggage" good.
5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2, No. 8)
With the Ravens playing this well, I'd like to shamelessly plug Bradley & Nikki Bozeman's upcoming
to benefit their awesome anti-bullying foundation. After you get your tickets you should also purchase this "
Sexy Chicken Sandwich
" costume for the party because it is perfect.
6. Seattle Seahawks (5-2, No. 4)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2, No. 7)
So most teams that pants division opponents on the road in prime-time bump up a few spots in the rankings. But most teams that pants division opponents on the road in primetime don't have to insert a dude who was literally working as a scout just a couple of months ago as their starting quarterback.
8. Los Angeles Rams (4-3, No. 9)
caught this video
of Jalen Ramsey after missing a couple of games and then getting traded.
9. Minnesota Vikings (5-2, No. 11)
Kirk Cousins has had a better month than Disney Plus.
10. Carolina Panthers (4-2, No. 10)
If you spent your bye week in North Cackalacky, you could have stopped by "Chef & The Farmer" in Kinston for some
"Tom Thumb" sausage
, which is spicy hot sausage (sounds good) with sage (that's fine) stuffed inside a pig's appendix (oh what in the actual f*ck?).
11. Indianapolis Colts (4-2, No. 14)
Walking out of your house in the fall when there are a billion damn spider webs between you and the car like…
12. Houston Texans (4-3, No. 6)
But cheer up Kenny Stills, you weren't the only Texan to get hit by a (metaphoric) truck this week.
13. Buffalo Bills (5-1, No. 12)
Needing a miraculous onside kick return for a touchdown to beat the Dolphins at home is like ... your wife and Michelle coordinating a dinner date and you acting like such a weirdo that at the end of the night ... I mean, at least you had some decent empanadas, I guess.
14. Dallas Cowboys (4-3, No. 16)
And if we know anything about Cowboys fans, it's that they'll have a totally measured, reasonable reaction to a comfortable victory against a depleted Eagles team just one week after losing to the same Jets team that just got obliterated by the Patriots.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4, No. 20)
There are people who think the Jags could still go back to Nick Foles. Which sounds crazy until you remember that we've played a game for centuries in which the premise is based around the idea that a rock big enough to shatter a pair of scissors would somehow be overwhelmed by a thin sheet of paper.
16. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4, No. 13)
Much like Dallas fans, Philadelphians have had a totally measured response to the result of the "Sunday Night Football" game this week.
17. Detroit Lions (2-3-1, No. 15)
I was trying to do some Lions research and YOU GUYS DID YOU KNOW MELANIE GRIFFITH
HAD A PET LION
WHEN SHE WAS A TEENAGER WHY DIDN'T WE MAKE A BIGGER DEAL OUT OF THIS?
Also, if my life depended on being able to say definitively whether her name was Melanie Griffith or Melanie Griffin it would have been really confusing because that doesn't seem like an issue that should have such stakes.
18. Arizona Cardinals (3-3-1, No. 26)
Congratulations to Chase Edmonds for
screwing over David Johnson fantasy owners who could have just played Edmonds but no, NOOOOO the Cardinals said Johnson was fine so cool, I'll just put him in my lineup and it won't be a big deal if George Kittle has a disappointing game in the rain and I F*CKING HATE THIS STUPID GAME WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF
scoring three touchdowns.
19. Cleveland Browns (2-4, No. 19)
If you spent your bye week in Cleveland you could have stopped by Greenhouse Tavern for AN ACTUAL ENTIRE ROASTED PIG'S HEAD and if you missed this one, no worries there will be plenty more weeks without any meaningful football for you to make your trip.
20. Oakland Raiders (3-3, No. 18)
Things I have to say about the Raiders:
- I hope my children realize how fortunate they are to live in this time
- There's really no reason to pursue anything else ever again in terms of human accomplishment
- At least we won't have to spend any time debating this year's Nobel Prize
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4, No. 21)
This would have been the perfect time to spend a bye week in Pittsburgh as the
Italian Independent Club
in Muse holds its monthly spaghetti and tripe dinner on the third Sunday of the month! What is tripe, you ask? Well, the Oxford Dictionary says "the first or second stomach of a cow or other ruminant used as food." So as it turns out, yinz is even friggin' weirder than we thought!
22. Chicago Bears (3-3, No. 17)
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4, No. 23)
And if you were in the Tampa area during bye week, you could have stopped China Yuan on Armenia Ave., as for just $6.50 you could get a delicious plate of "Crispy Deep Fried Pork Intestines." You know, they say you could make anything sound appealing by deep frying it, so let's try it. "Crispy Deep Fried Orange Slices." Yeah, I'd give that a shot. "Crispy Deep Fried Candy Corn." Nope. "They" are liars.
24. Tennessee Titans (3-4, No. 28)
Ryan Tannehill finished 23 of 29 for 312 yards and two touchdowns, which is confusing -- but there have been
more confusing things
25. Denver Broncos (2-5, No. 22)
Because "nine sacks" isn't just what I'd order at White Castle after a night of drinking in college.
26. New York Giants (2-5, No. 24)
I know this has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I'm dealing with a small problem in my house where my 2-year-old watched an episode of "Paw Patrol" in which Mayor Humdinger turned into a giant and now for some reason he's afraid of like ... everything. If I say, "Sammy, do you want to play soccer?" he says, "Mayor Humdinger was so big and asks for his mom." I have no idea where he gets it from. But I do know that if you show me a picture of Doug Funny, I'm gonna need a safe space.
27. New York Jets (1-5, No. 25)
Oh, so when Sam Darnold sees ghosts you make fun of him but when Ray Kinsella does, you make a terrible movie an American classic.
28. Los Angeles Chargers (2-5, No. 27)
A week ago I thought "maybe the Chargers could still turn things around" and while that sounds like the dumbest statement of the week,
Rolling Stone said Bob Dylan was the seventh-best singer of all time.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-6, No. 29)
It seems intriguing that the Falcons are looking to trade Vic Beasley until you remember that Vic Beasley is a big reason why the Falcons are looking to trade Vic Beasley.
30. Washington Redskins (1-6, No. 30)
Congratulations to the Redskins on becoming just the second team of the last 25 years to cover a spread without scoring a point, which is literally their biggest win in a decade and no I actually meant "literally" there.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7, No. 31)
I would prefer to use this space to suggest you listen to the new tune
by Of Monsters And Men than to discuss anything about the Bengals.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-6, No. 32)
I am looking into getting a mental health-related doctor's note to keep me from having to say anything about the Dolphins the rest of the season.