Congratulations to Bill Belichick on his 300th victory. As a gift I got him a new knife set that reminded me of his news conferences.
(Yes, the joke is that it's because they're all so dull and you obviously should have seen that coming.)
2. San Francisco 49ers (7-0, No. 2)
What a weekend for George Kittle. He has a big day in a massive blowout win against the Panthers on "National Tight End Day" and then he got to meet and pose for pictures with his hero, Brett Favre, after the game. Favre asked Kittle if he wanted the quarterback to send him a picture and the tight end said, "I'm good."
3. New Orleans Saints (7-1, No. 3)
Gerrit Cole thinks the Saints had a decent October.
4. Green Bay Packers (7-1, No. 4)
Someone I know told me that they've seen pornography less tantalizing.
5. Baltimore Ravens (5-2, No. 5)
If you spent your bye week in Baltimore ... oh wait, I guess you did. But I also guess you DIDN'T spend it with a
beef tongue sandwich
from Mary Mervis in Lexington Market. Neither did I. Honestly, I've never had one in my life. Which is weird when you remember that I've lost enough dumb bets that I could make a power ranking list of them and "eating bull balls while singing Achy Breaky Heart" might not even crack the top five.
6. Seattle Seahawks (6-2, No. 6)
Congratulations to Bobby Wagner on becoming the Seahawks' all-time leading tackler. Before he came along, the only person in Seattle whose hits were so punishing they could make you sick was Macklemore.
7. Los Angeles Rams (5-3, No. 8)
Cooper Kupp finished his week with seven catches for 220 yards and one broken Otter Box when I found out the 1-6 team I was playing against had him and I had T.Y. Hilton.
8. Minnesota Vikings (6-2, No. 9)
9. Kansas City Chiefs (5-3, No. 7)
Remember when you worked that crap job at a retail store and some guy named Brent kept running his mouth about how he was going to get the supervisor job before you because he was so much better at selling insurance plans no one actually needed for the stuff they were buying? Remember how you just smiled every time because you knew damn well he was punching in an hour earlier than his shift started every day and just hanging out in the break room and as soon as you mentioned something he was going to get fired?
I gotta think that knowing you're about to get Patrick Mahomes back feels almost as good as that.
10. Indianapolis Colts (5-2, No. 11)
That was a pretty spectacular moment for Adam Vinatieri, and I imagine he'll probably end up telling his grandkids about it one day ... next week.
11. Houston Texans (5-3, No. 12)
There's no way to sugarcoat how much it will hurt them to lose J.J. Watt, though. At least they didn't sell out for this season and trade away three of their next four picks in the top two rounds or anything.
12. Dallas Cowboys (4-3, No. 14)
And if you had spent your bye week in the metroplex, you could have stopped by Woodshed Smokehouse in Fort Worth to try some delicious ...
. To be clear, it's a combination of the two, not two different types. Because that would be crazy.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (4-4, No. 16)
The Eagles getting their brains beat in by the Cowboys and then bouncing back to beat the crap out of the Bills in Buffalo is confusing. Not "the existence of a
'Sexy Muskox' Halloween
costume"-level confusing, but confusing nonetheless.
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4, No. 15)
I find it really difficult to dislike the Jaguars, honestly. I kinda find myself rooting for them for all sorts of odd reasons.
15. Carolina Panthers (4-3, No. 10)
The Golden State Warriors think this is a rough defensive performance.
16. Buffalo Bills (5-2, No. 16)
The thing about what happened to them is that, yeah, yeah, that actually checks out.
17. Detroit Lions (3-3-1, No. 17)
The Lions have already traded away Quandre Diggs and have reportedly been shopping Darius Slay but also were in discussions regarding Kenyan Drake and ESPN reported their interest in Melvin Gordon. So basically they're the Mets?
18. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-4, No. 21)
It's not that I'm mad that the Steelers ended up getting their crap together on "Monday Night Football," it's just that I went through all of that effort to trademark "The Immaculate Defecation" and when the T-shirts get shipped I guess I'll have to send them straight to Botswana.
19. Tennessee Titans (4-4, No. 24)
The Titans were the benefactors of some
pretty significant good fortune
this week, which is probably a fair trade-off for "having to employ Ryan Tannehill."
20. Arizona Cardinals (3-4-1, No. 18)
Our options: we talk about the Cardinals getting wrecked by the Saints OR we could talk about
Pumpkin Bacon Mac & Cheese
. Your call.
21. Cleveland Browns (2-5, No. 19)
Live look at me when I think about Browns fans somehow being even sadder than normal ...
22. Oakland Raiders (3-4, No. 20)
For what it's worth, the Raiders were really close to beating the Texans and improving to 4-3 and can you remember the last time a sentence that pleasant was uttered about the Raiders?
23. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5, No. 28)
Sure, beating the Bears on the road might not be as tough as it would've seemed on paper, but next week they have to travel to an EXTREMELY hostile environment to face the Packers at their own stadium.
24. Chicago Bears (3-4, No. 22)
The Bears are going to stick it out with Mitchell Trubisky because, "What, you think this is any BETTER with Chase Daniel?"
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5, No. 23)
26. Denver Broncos (2-6, No. 25)
Which is more legitimate: Joe Flacco's neck injury or John Elway's ability to find a quarterback?
27. New York Giants (2-6, No. 26)
The Giants decided to hold a players' only meeting this week but like, it must be awkward for Saquon Barkley to just be sitting by himself like that.
28. New York Jets (1-6, No. 27)
After the Leonard Williams trade, I'm starting to think they could probably just merge into ONE garbage New York team.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-7, No. 29)
It's the perfect time for a bye, though, because you can sneak off to the Dixie Classic Fair in Winston-Salem, N.C., and check out the new
(!) available on the midway. It's not like anyone would notice you were gone.
30. Washington Redskins (1-7, No. 30)
I know golf-cart-riding nudists in Anne Arundel County who are having a better year than Redskins fans.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8, No. 31)
The only place more depressing than Cincinnati right now is a Party City on the Saturday night before Halloween.
"Do you have 5564?"
"Yeah, but only in super extra large."
"What about 3234?"
"Yeah but only in extra medium."
"I guess I can give it a try."
"OK, stand over in this general area for 45 minutes or so and we'll come out to let you know we don't actually have it."
32. Miami Dolphins (0-7, No. 32)
That's a third straight statement cover, though.