So here's the deal. In honor of Disney+ going live, I'm doing a "Disney character" thing in power rankings this week for everyone except the bye week teams.
For example, in the spring of sixth grade at Perry Hall Middle School, I was introduced to a character that changed my life. He was the absolute epitome of cool. He oozed star power. His moves were jaw-dropping. (Also of note, his songs were total bangers that would still top the charts TODAY.)
Yep. The Ravens are (or really Lamar Jackson is)
from the Disney classic "A Goofy Movie." You probably should have seen that coming though.
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-2, No. 5)
I'm going to say that Russell Wilson is Genie from "Aladdin" because the dude is pure magic. I mean, so is the quarterback ahead of him, but I already made that guy literally the single coolest character in movie history so Wilson defaults to Genie.
3. San Francisco 49ers (8-1, No. 1)
I feel like Jimmy Garoppolo kinda reminds me of Mike Wazowski from "Monsters, Inc." He's imperfect but he doesn't lack for confidence and that sorta makes up for his shortcomings.
4. New England Patriots (8-1, No. 4)
Shame you didn't spend bye week in Massachusetts, where you could have stopped by Buffalo Jump in Falmouth and enjoyed "That Duck in the Salt Marsh I Told You About." As the
Boston Globe explained: "a starkly plated apostrophe of dry-aged duck -- skin crisped, bacon-esque -- alongside cabbage wrapped sardine and rice, sprinkled with popped sorghum and drizzled in liver sauce."
We're better off without this state.
5. New Orleans Saints (7-2, No. 2)
The Saints of course seemed PERFECT throughout the season, right? They were the potentially flawless team that you could truly believe in ... right until they totally let you down (when you bet on them to obviously cover two touchdowns against the lowly Falcons while coming off their bye). Who else let you down like this? Prince Hans from "Frozen," of course.
6. Green Bay Packers (8-2, No. 8)
Aaron Rodgers might not be perfect. Every now and then he might mix in a stinker (like he did against the Chargers Nov. 3). But boy is he reliable and you're glad to have him on your side. He's of course Sheriff Woody from "Toy Story."
7. Minnesota Vikings (7-3, No. 11)
I guess you'd have to say Kirk Cousins is Prince Charming, right? He's perfectly average in every way. You can't trash him, you can't get all that excited about him. He's just kinda there and ... interesting enough, I guess.
8. Houston Texans (6-3, No. 9)
Really a shame you couldn't have spent bye week in Houston so you could have stopped by the Los Perros food truck for a
, a regular hot dog smothered with pineapple (oh?), mustard (right), sour cream (OK ...), PINK mayonnaise (WHAT?), red fruit syrup (I REPEAT), crushed potato chips (sure?) and a hardboiled QUAIL egg. I both want to burn it with fire and yet I also kinda want three.
9. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4, No. 6)
Patrick Mahomes is clearly an otherworldly talent whose supporting cast is a bit suspect. He's exactly like Juan Morales from "The Big Green."
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-4, No. 16)
No matter what the circumstances are, Mike Tomlin seems to be able to figure out a way to make things work and turn his team into a winner. So he's pretty much Gordon Bombay from "The Mighty Ducks" series.
11. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4, No. 13)
I bet you wish you could have spent bye week in Philadelphia so you could have hung out at
Vernick Food & Drink
for some delicious warm scrambled eggs ... with a little sea urchin on top. Yeah. Sea urchin and scrambled eggs. You know what they say. "When in Rome, do as no one on the face of the planet would do."
12. Dallas Cowboys (5-4, No. 10)
Jerry Jones seems to have everything he could possibly want but desperately wishes he could be like all of the teams that are, you know, actually good. So sorta like Louis Prima's King Louie in "The Jungle Book," no?
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4, No. 18)
You couldn't help but doubt them at the beginning, but damn if they didn't turn things around by the middle and that's definitely Carl from "Up," isn't it?
14. Los Angeles Rams (5-4, No. 7)
The Rams paid Jared Goff $134 million and then benched him on a huge third down in favor of Blake Bortles, making him the biggest flop since ... Armie Hammer as "The Lone Ranger."
15. Indianapolis Colts (5-4, No. 12)
He wasn't the first choice for the job, but damn if Frank Reich didn't prove to clearly be the better option. Sorta reminds me of how Pat Finley took over the camp in "Heavyweights" and solved everything.
16. Tennessee Titans (5-5, No. 21)
Much like Dory from "Finding Nemo," the Titans have done a miraculous job of figuring out some sort of way to "just keep swimming."
17. Buffalo Bills (6-3, No. 15)
They're complete frauds ... much like Preston Waters in the 1994 classic "Blank Check," starring Tone Loc.
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-5, No. 17)
We're running low on "exotic meat options" for bye weeks, but if you thought to yourself, "What is the single most JACKSONVILLE food imaginable?" Yep. EXACTLY as you thought. The Mountain Dew and Dorito Cupcake is available at 4 Rivers Smokehouse, but I have to imagine it originated while Kid Rock was hallucinating.
19. Carolina Panthers (5-4, No. 14)
Sadly, now injured quarterback Cam Newton has never really grown up as a player, making him kinda like Peter Pan I guess.
20. Cleveland Browns (3-6, No. 24)
Clearly they're not that good, but it isn't Jarvis Landry's fault. Dude has caught more balls than "Air Bud."
21. Los Angeles Chargers (4-6, No. 19)
When owner Dean Spanos suggested his team was going to stay in Los Angeles for the long haul, I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps his nose grew a little bit a la "Pinocchio."
22. Chicago Bears (4-5, No. 25)
I feel like if I make the comparison between Mitchell Trubisky and Dopey from "Snow White" I probably don't have to bother explaining myself, right?
23. Denver Broncos (3-6, No. 23)
So clearly if you had spent your bye week in Denver you probably would have been enjoying some delicious "Rocky Mountain Oysters." And by "delicious" I mean "no, I've tried them and there's no redeemable quality of any sort. And if you stopped by Wynkoop Brewery you could have washed your bull balls down with ... more bull balls. Their Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout is apparently brewed with 25 pounds of bull testicles per eight barrels.
Oh, and they also dip pizza crust in honey but that doesn't crack the top 10 of bizarre culinary experiences when we're talking about the place where they salivate over the genitalia of cattle.
24. Detroit Lions (3-5-1, No. 20)
Do you guys remember Hiram Flaversham from "The Great Mouse Detective?" No? He's about on par with how you'll feel about Jeff Driskel in five years.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-6, No. 26)
Literally in the Wikipedia description of Flounder from "The Little Mermaid," you find the sentence "prone to panicking under stressful situations," so obviously that's Jameis Winston. Moving on.
26. Atlanta Falcons (2-7, No. 29)
Is Vic Beasley going to be a thing again now? I bring him up because dude is legitimately
as Beast from "Beauty and the Beast."
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-6-1, No. 22)
28. Miami Dolphins (2-7, No. 28)
They're not very good but considering everything they're up against, I'll be damned if you aren't kinda rooting for them. So they're the Jamaican bobsled team from "Cool Runnings," obvi.
29. New York Jets (2-7, No. 31)
They're so bad that it took
something close to magic
to get them a victory? And then they were
to think that meant they were actually good? So they're totally the California Angels from "Angels In The Outfield," right?
30. Washington Redskins (1-8, No. 30)
An absolute travesty that you didn't get to spend your bye week in our nation's capital, as you could have enjoyed the wonderful combination of
sardines and crickets
at Poca Madre. But hey! They also mix in avocado butter!
31. New York Giants (2-8, No. 27)
It is strikingly difficult to catch Saquon Barkley, making him similar to Tramp from "Lady and the Tramp."
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-9, No. 32)
They're "Chicken Little." The absolute worst Disney movie ever made.