Here are my power rankings for Week 13 of the NFL season.
1. Baltimore Ravens (9-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
My T-shirt saying, “The Baltimore Ravens are the greatest thing to happen to football since the 1919 Rock Island Independents” has a lot of people asking questions that I feel like have already been answered by my T-shirt.
2. Seattle Seahawks (9-2, No. 2)
I saw that Russell Wilson became the first quarterback to lead his team to a winning record in each of his first right seasons and thought to myself, “Is that true? I mean, should we go back and double-check Kyle Boller’s numbers?”
3. San Francisco 49ers (10-1, No. 3)
The Niners are 10-1 for the first time since a new band from San Francisco called Third Eye Blind had a hit song called “Semi-Charmed Life” (1997) and I just realized that will probably be on the classic rock station soon and I should probably get around to doing something with my life.
4. New England Patriots (10-1, No. 4)
The Pats are 3-0 this year when they’ve scored 17 or fewer points, which is a reminder of how good their defense is but to be fair is still a pretty small sample size. Similarly, I’ve survived literally every Thanksgiving in which I’ve consumed fewer than six full pans of my cousin’s garlic jalapeno scalloped potatoes. Every one!
5. New Orleans Saints (9-2, No. 5)
So Michael Thomas might not win MVP because apparently wide receivers aren’t allowed to or something, but he’s now the fourth player with eight or more catches and 100 or more yards in five straight games. The previous three? Calvin Johnson, Isaac Bruce and some guy who was apparently only worth the 199th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft AND YEAH I KNOW THE RAVENS ARE GOOD NOW BUT I’M STILL NOT OVER IT.
6. Minnesota Vikings (8-3, No. 7)
Such a shame we didn’t spend the bye week in Minneapolis, as we could have swung by Safari Express for … and you guys might not be so into this — it’s a little weird. Because they serve it with … pineapple. But yeah, we could’ve picked up a tasty Camel Burger. They say it’s the only one in the U.S., which seems like entirely too many.
7. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4, No. 8)
If you would have been in KC for the bye week, you could have wandered by Extra Virgin to try some “Crispy Pig Trotter Cakes.” What are the trotters? Yeah, they’re the feet. Of course they are. But if you’d like a healthier option, they also offer a crispy pig ear salad.
8. Green Bay Packers (8-3, No. 6)
Shout out to Trey Wingo for letting us know that Aaron Rodgers is now 0-7 in road games against teams that are six games over .500. No word on how much that number changes if they’re only five games over .500, the game is played at the exact temperature of 61 degrees and with at least two but no more than five state senators in attendance.
9. Houston Texans (7-4, No. 11)
What a difference a week makes, you know? Everything was dark and gloomy and it seemed like perhaps they had hit rock bottom and then last Friday Houston woke up and … had In-n-Out Burger now so everything is fine.
10. Buffalo Bills (8-3, No. 14)
Do I believe in the Bills now? Absolutely not. Has everyone else lost while they were busy navigating through a schedule that that Sun Belt teams think is weak, forcing me to insert them into the top 10 finally? Yeah. Yeah that.
11. Dallas Cowboys (6-5, No. 9)
Speaking of weak teams on the Bills’ schedule, next up is a trip to Dallas.
12. Tennessee Titans (6-5, No. 16)
Ryan Tannehill being a thing is easily the strangest story of 2019.
In football. Outside of football, what’s the strangest story of 2019? I don’t know. Maybe the guy from Alaska who was found with $400,000 worth of drugs hidden inside rotting goat intestines?
13. Indianapolis Colts (6-5, No. 10)
With Eric Ebron now on injured reserve, the Colts activated Ross Travis from the practice squad. He played college basketball at Penn State, meaning they now have two former college basketball players in their tight end room with Travis and Mo-Allie Cox (VCU). You know who else used to play basketball? Hall of Fame tight end Tony Gonzalez. No one ever really talked about that though.
14. Los Angeles Rams (6-5, No. 13)
15. Oakland Raiders (6-5, No. 12)
Gonna tell my kids this was Gary Williams.
16. Cleveland Browns (5-6, No. 18)
The Browns have won three straight home games against a group of quarterbacks who have combined to win zero playoff games. Or as they call it “the absolute greatest stretch of football in franchise history.”
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5, No. 17)
Imagine arguing about whether Mason Rudolph or Devlin Hodges was a better option for your team as quarterback. It’s like watching a debate between Tom Steyer and Michael Bennet supporters. (Those are two actual presidential candidates. I just remembered there’s no way you know that.)
18. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6, No. 15)
The Eagles have released Jordan Matthews. This might not seem significant, but the next time they sign him they’ll be only three more signings away from having their punch card filled and getting him for free!
19. New York Jets (4-7, No. 25)
The Jets have a BETTER chance of making the playoffs than Lloyd Christmas had of ending up with Mary Swanson and to be fair, that almost kinda sorta happened!
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7, No. 19)
When you see your big-money free-agent quarterback get hurt but then the season is saved by the most Jacksonville quarterback ever only to have the original quarterback come back and things to go back to being a disaster …
21. Carolina Panthers (5-6, No. 20)
Just found another angle of Joey Slye missing a 28-yard field goal. From the middle of the field. In a dome.
22. Los Angeles Chargers (4-7, No. 22)
Should you have been in the City of Angels for the bye week, a visit to Jitlada may have been in order. There you could have ordered a “beef pizzle soup starring cuts of cow penis.” Oh and Thai herbs, too, so that should help.
23. Chicago Bears (5-6, No. 23)
I could discuss the professional football contest between the Bears and Giants, but I don’t hate you. So instead, here’s this video about French Onion Mac & Cheese.
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7, No. 28)
It’s that thing where sure, you might have lost a little money because you insanely started to buy into the Falcons but also, you got to see the fattest fat guy touchdown ever, so … it’s a wash?
25. Atlanta Falcons (3-8, No. 21)
“No, it’s cool. The Falcons have won back-to-back division games and look like a totally different team, so let’s put a few bucks down on this one.”
26. Denver Broncos (3-8, No. 24)
I’m as stunned that the Broncos’ offense wasn’t solved by Joe Flacco going down as I am that Brad Pitt isn’t dating Maeby Funke.
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-7-1, No. 27)
A bye week in Phoenix could have lead to a stop at Short Leash Hot Dogs, where you could have ordered “The Bear,” but only if you’re in the mood for a hot dog with smoked gouda (sure), bacon (absolutely), barbecue sauce (yeah you are), peanut butter (oh?) and for some reason CRACKER JACKS (what in the actual f*ck?).
28. Detroit Lions (3-7-1, No. 26)
Remember when you say “there is nothing worse than green bean casserole” this Thursday that ironically at the exact time, Jeff Driskel will be playing professional football on a television screen behind you.
29. Miami Dolphins (2-9, No. 29)
30. Washington Redskins (2-9, No. 31)
If you had told me “there will be a team that will finally win a game this season but they won’t be able to find their quarterback because he’ll be busy taking selfies,” I would have struggled for hours trying to figure out if it would be the Browns or the Redskins.
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-11, No. 32)
They’re going back to Andy Dalton. That’s the punch line, not the set-up.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox