Here are my power rankings for Week 10 of the NFL season.
Since we're at (roughly) the midway point of the season, I'm going to do my best to offer a second-half prediction for every team in the rankings this week. I'll still offer some food tips for the bye week teams as well.
Niners prediction: Jimmy Garoppolo will continue to play well and they'll continue to win games and we'll all continue to act surprised despite it being literally all he's ever done while healthy since arriving there and time will remain a flat circle.
2. New Orleans Saints (7-1, No. 3)
Really wish I would have spent my bye week in New Orleans so I could have stopped by
for some sweetbreads. Yeah, some delicious sweetbreads. From Wikipedia:
Sweetbread is a culinary name for the thymus (also called throat, gullet, or neck sweetbread) or pancreas (also called stomach, belly or gut sweetbread), typically from calf (ris de veau) and lamb (ris d'agneau), and, less commonly, beef and pork.
Prediction: they'll represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-2, No. 5)
Prediction: Lamar Jackson will run for 200 and throw for 200 in the same game ... and will win the special election for Elijah Cummings' House seat.
4. New England Patriots (8-1, No. 1)
They're going to lose a few more games and the, "Are we nearing the end of the Brady-Belichick era?" questions we've been asking for literally a decade will finally be relevant.
5. Seattle Seahawks (7-2, No. 6)
Russell Wilson will win MVP while throwing for 40 touchdowns and two interceptions ... and they'll lose in the playoffs because they're insistent on running the ball.
6. Kansas City Chiefs (6-3, No. 9)
They'll face the Saints in the Super Bowl.
7. Los Angeles Rams (5-3, No. 7)
Man, I wish I would have had a bye week in Southern California. I could have stopped by Elite Restaurant for some delicious
-- a sweet coconut milk soup made with ... frog fallopian tubes. I have so many questions about how this became a thing and yet at the same time I want absolutely none of them answered.
Prediction: By the end of the year, we think Jared Goff is good at football again.
8. Green Bay Packers (7-2, No. 4)
I'll venture that whatever the eff that was that happened against the Chargers won't happen again.
9. Houston Texans (6-3, No. 11)
They'll be exciting as hell to watch, will mix in a couple of "far closer than expected" performances and will find a way to trade away two more draft picks before losing in the playoffs.
10. Dallas Cowboys (5-3, No. 12)
I'm thinking they'll be just relevant enough to warrant about 80 percent of all national sports television coverage and, of course, obviously won't actually do anything that matters at all.
11. Minnesota Vikings (6-3, No. 8)
In the end, they miss out on the playoffs because inexplicably they forget they have Stefon freakin' Diggs one too many times.
12. Indianapolis Colts (5-3, No. 10)
Frank Reich is the slam dunk obvious choice for Coach of the Year but doesn't get it.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4, No. 13)
If Antonio Brown is cleared, he ends up here and they somehow win the NFC East.
14. Carolina Panthers (5-3, No. 15)
Christian McCaffrey finishes with 2,500 yards and wins like four Latin Grammys and they miss the playoffs anyway.
15. Buffalo Bills (6-2, No. 16)
No, they don't make the playoffs and no one is even remotely surprised because they only people that ever thought they were have all perished in drunken, table-smashing accidents.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-4, No. 18)
Instead, these assh*les somehow stammer into the postseason despite never letting their quarterback thrown the ball downfield and it's enough to justify trading away their first-round pick for Minkah Fitzpatrick, and when Ben Roethlisberger comes back next year they somehow end up being a problem again because of friggin' course.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-5, No. 14)
They decide to play Nick Foles when he's healthy and it helps nothing and they're still the Jaguars.
18. Oakland Raiders (4-4, No. 22)
Basically, they do nothing of any actual relevance but because everyone is afraid of saying anything mean about Jon Gruden we keep hearing about how they're building toward something.
19. Los Angeles Chargers (4-5, No. 23)
They manage to get back into the AFC playoff picture and are one of the more compelling stories in football and who would possibly care?
20. Detroit Lions (3-4-1, No. 17)
It's the Lions, so nothing will happen that will even remotely interest you.
21. Tennessee Titans (4-5, No. 19)
They'll commit to Ryan Tannehill as their quarterback moving forward and set their franchise back another three to four years.
22. Arizona Cardinals (3-5-1, No. 20)
I think they'll be a team that will actually be worth watching more often than not. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but this is the Arizona Cardinals we're talking about.
23. Denver Broncos (3-6, No. 26)
John Elway will lay the groundwork for trading entirely too much for Cam Newton.
24. Cleveland Browns (2-6, No. 21)
It will unthinkably somehow get worse.
25. Chicago Bears (3-5, No. 24)
They'll smartly move on from everyone (GM, coach, QB) a little quicker than teams typically like to.
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-6, No. 25)
Bruce Arians will start getting infatuated with the idea of Teddy Bridgewater being his next quarterback.
27. New York Giants (2-7, No. 27)
For some reason that no human being will ever be able to appropriately explain, they'll let Eli Manning start another game just to make everything that much worse.
28. Miami Dolphins (1-7, No. 32)
They'll beat the Jets AGAIN, fully ruining the plan.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-7, No. 29)
Bummer you didn't spend your bye week in Atlanta, as you could have stopped by
Brush Sushi Izakaya
for some tasty ... monkfish liver. Good news, though: They serve it in whatever ponzu sauce is. So that oughta fix it.
Prediction: Matt Ryan goes on the trading block after the season.
30. Washington Redskins (1-8, No. 30)
As we should have known, they're the worst team in the NFL when it's all said and done and get the top pick. (Spoiler: of COURSE they screw it up somehow.)
31. New York Jets (1-7, No. 28)
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8, No. 31)
Truly a shame you didn't spend bye week in Cincinnati, as you could have stopped by Jungle Jim's International Market in Fairfield. Remember when the Stefon character on SNL would say, "They have EVERYTHING?" He was talking about this place. A
in 2015 asked customers, "What's one of the strangest things you've purchased at Jungle Jim's?" Responses included "cricket lickets," kangaroo testicles, rattlesnake, salt and vinegar crickets, freeze dried squid, duck heads, ground camel (!), canned eel, dried scorpions, sheep's head, cricket lollipops and haggis in a can.
All of which sounds better than being a Cincinnati Bengals fan. Oh, and the prediction is A.J. Green will screw up them getting the No. 1 pick somehow.